Reflections of the Ordinary

An observation.

2012-01-30T22:13:00.000-08:00

So I’m reading extensively about the ins and outs of counseling children and the involvement of parents in the process. Its what’s on my mind.

I’m sitting in a well-known java establishment when a mom and an… I’ll guess six-and-a-half-year-old walk over to where I’m sitting. The kid is adorable. He kinda looks like my brother when he was that age, except he had coke-bottle glasses and had thumbs-a-fury on a PSP. There was one empty comfy chair and one table available a few feet away. Mom looks tired and decides she needs to sit in the comfy chair and the kid just stands there. I’m trying not to glance too much, but he looks visibly uncomfortable. He’s paused his game and is worried that he doesn’t have a chair to sit in. “Mom. Where do I sit?” “Go sit at that table.” He looks over and sees that that is not a very great place to sit. “Can we go sit somewhere together? I don’t want to sit at that table.” Mom has now crossed her legs and is agitatedly bouncing her foot up and down, up and down, drinking whatever tall beverage she purchased. She ignores him. The kid just has his PSP. He reluctantly walks the couple tiles over to the tables and slouches into a wooden chair and resumes his game.

I look over at the kid, meaning nothing by my glance. Mom stares at me. I go back to reading and she pulls out a little transparent orange vial with a white lid and throws back a couple. Foot still bouncing furiously. Then quietly, from the table, “Mom. Can I sit with you?” She says nothing and he walks over and sits on the very edge of her chair next to her, with maybe half a cheek on the cushion. She gets up almost immediately and practically knocks him off. She growls softly, “I said, go SIT at that table.” He obediently and quickly darts back over to the chair and sits. Mom grabs her purse and puts it on the table and tells him, “Watch this. I left my phone in the car.” “Okay Mom. But can I come with you?” She walks off. He sits there playing his game, but constantly looking around for mom.

She comes back maybe eight minutes later with no phone in sight and another older kid. Where did he come from? “We’re leaving now. And no, you can’t have anything.” “But I didn’t…” “Shut up.”

The innocence and kindheartedness of some kids melt my heart. This kid was no exception. There was so much yearning in his eyes to simply be with his mom.

The ignorance of some parents makes my heart burn. I wanted to reach over and shake her and say, “LOOK. Not every kid wants to be with their parents. Your kid is DYING to be close to you. Take advantage of that!” But I didn’t. That would be weird. Also, I think there was a lot more going on than what met the eye. She was upset about something. Which sucks. I prayed a little for her. But I was still angry.

There is a story going on all around you. Everyone is fighting a hard battle that you can’t see. And though you can’t see it, sometimes it pisses you off. It pisses me off. But it makes me want to work harder at what I do.

No butt-sitting.

2012-01-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

"I gotta remember I want to do those things. Because if you come to a point when you don't want to do any of those things, then where is life?"

where

is

life?

Margo is adorable. I want to have her attitude at that age if I ever get to her age. Age never catches up with you, it flanks your sides and paces with you the whole race.

Get off butt.
Do things.
Butt-sitting is not memorable.

Check.

Getting better.

2012-01-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

There are lots of changes going on right now.

My job at FPU North is going a-okay so far. I hear it's going to be hellish soon; whatever that means for an office is beyond me.

Today is day 2 of official tutoring and I love it. It's so different and fun and it doesn't feel like a job! The six-year-old and thirteen-year-old are precious. We're going to have tons of fun for the next couple of weeks.

God and I are on talking terms again. We didn't stop speaking to each other, I just stopped listening for a while. But now we're slowly back and it feels good.

The second semester of grad school begins tuesday. I have a love/hate relationship with that fact at the moment.

Josh got accepted to the masters program at Moody! He started this week and I'm stoked that we get to do school together, even if his is online. For such a time as this, we are going to school, doing ministry and loving friends together. And being friends. Its nice.

Though things are going well, I feel like I'm due for a good cry soon. Sometimes you just need to cry, even when things are really rad.

Things I'm very much about right now:

new girl.
trying to eat healthier.
pinterest. as usual.
being "hell yeah" about things. if I'm not "hell YEAH!" about that shirt, burger, TV show, etc., it does not belong in my life or on my debit card. I'm learning to say yes to the things that matter.
learning that life isn't as complicated as I make it out to be, and letting things go. [sodarnhard]
shutting up.
my new boots.
looking cute. r.
asking Jesus what he thinks.
spending more intentional time with Josh.

thats about it right now.

Christmas musings.

2011-12-24T02:32:00.001-08:00

Christmasings? Christ musings? Chris must sing?

For as many reasons as I want to believe that the holidays every year are new and fresh, I feel I have just as many to believe they are old, tried and typical.

This year things seem different. Not new, not old, not mediocre, just... different. Maybe because I'm thinking differently.

Did the wise men have wives? They must have missed their hubbies.

I don't like waiting in lines during this season. I hate it the rest of the year. why?

'Obligation' seems synonymous for 'Christmas'. Not always. But you know what I mean. This does not just imply gifts.

Baby J had a poopy diaper. Mary probably hated cleaning up that stinky stuff.

I hate the obligatory feeling when it comes to getting gifts.
I think I hate it because I don't want to feel obligated, and I really don't, but the fact that people really do expect to get things makes it obligatory.

Christmas songs (both secular/non-secular) don't make any sense. They sound SO lovely. But make little to no sense.

Does Jesus not like the fact that He's everywhere, on the radio, on posterboards, in sermons, on mantles, on wrapping paper this time of year, but we can't sit still for three seconds to actually talk to him?

No other time during the year do I want so badly to be able to cook/bake/create like Julia Child. Too bad I eat more than I can imagine and imagine more than I can cook. darn Pinterest.

I wonder if Jesus remembers being a baby. did He have a time when He couldn't remember things?

Sleep doesn't seem to matter during this season. I'm sitting on our futon freezing my butt off, but am so tired and full of Christmas food that none of it really matters. Also, there is guilt because I know there are people who are colder who live outside who probably get little to no sleep. So I shouldn't complain.

I wish I could give more. I want to be a better giver. I wish I could receive things more gracefully, too. I never think about that side of things.

How much gold did the one wise dude give? Was it really enough for their family to have a better life?

My life for the past couple months as revolved around lists. (see last two entries. oiy vey.) I hate this.

I've noticed that this year, people are less sassy about being politically correct. I have not received ONE "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings" from anyone who works in any kind of store. Every person has wished me a "Merry Christmas". It's refreshing. But not that I care at all. I just think it's cute that people have stopped getting their panties in a bunch. I'll wish you a Merry Kwanzaa if you'd like.

I'm much more thankful this year than last. Maybe because we're working on a budget. Go us. But I still love getting gift cards.

There is more love in our family this year. I like that.

Let's [try to] enjoy this time of year guilt-free, thank-full, past-remembering and love-spilling.
Joyeux Noël...

Hypothetically speaking...

2011-10-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

what do you do when you don't feel God?
what do you do when your guilt gets the better of you?
what do you do when you have no answers (but you're really okay with that because knowing the truth might really pull that Band-Aid off quick)?
what do you do when you're just plain angry?
what do you do when your good isn't good enough? (insert creepy dairy queen guy here.)
what do you do when God has said 'no'?
what do you do when you have no more oomph?
what do you do when you find yourself arguing with (...no. ...at) him?

i don't want to answer my semi - hypotheticals because i want to know what you would do.

so they're not so hypothetical, really.

i'm curious.

Oh ...boy.

2011-10-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

After not blogging for such a long time, a reader would probably assume that the blogger would have something worthwhile or profound after such a long time off.
One would assume.

However.

I was reading blogs and I came across Popular Mechanic’s “100 Skills Every Man Should Know” List. (I was done with homework for the day.) It came with a quiz. So I thought to myself, But of COURSE I’ll take the “DIY Skills and How Much Of A Man Are You” Quiz! I got a whopping 33%. This both encourages me and kills me a little inside. Whew, I am not a man, but DANG IT I know how to fix (ahem, certain parts of my) car, change a light bulb, drink a beer, and make a mess of the bathroom and all those other important things. And dag-gum, I will then in turn obey the speed limit, read a book, not burp and organize that same bathroom like a lady.

Ahem, right, the List. Do you know how to do any of these? You should teach me.

This is me letting you know that this is even worse than those godawful myspace or facebook surveys. Which you and I both did, several times, let’s not lie to ourselves.

I apologize in advance. Just…I’m sorry.

Automotive

1. Handle a blowout well they couldn’t have started the list off any better than this.
2. Drive in snow this is helpful for those of us who live in the desert.
3. Check trouble codes and boy do I know some troubling codes!
4. Replace fan belt fan + leather belt = fashionable.
5. Wax a car Otis would probably think I was coming on to him.
6. Conquer an off-road obstacle the nearest one I can think of is running into the Comcast tower on our street. I’ll bring a flag.
7. Use a stick welder
8. Hitch up a trailer we are not that poor yet to have one of those.
9. Jump start a car

Handling Emergencies

10. Perform the Heimlich Eddie Izzard talks about that…
11. Reverse hypothermia WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN
12. Perform hands-only CPR gross. no tongues please.
13. Escape a sinking car easy. This was the reason I haven’t fixed my windows. (not because I couldn’t)

Home

14. Carve a turkey as long as it’s not a mountainside, that’s a-ok.
15. Use a sewing machine once. And it was awful. The dress looked like a giant’s dishcloth.
16. Put out a fire throw a can of axe on it duh.
17. Home brew beer now THAT sounds fun!
18. Remove bloodstains from fabric that I can do. gross.
19. Move heavy stuff who do you think I am? A MAN?! Oh.
20. Grow food
21. Read an electric meter sorry, I only do recreational reading when I pee now, sorry.
22. Shovel the right way what about the left way?
23. Solder wire
24. Tape drywall I have lots of tape and our wall is in fact, dry.
25. Split firewood
26. Replace a faucet washer this just sounds redundant.
27. Mix concrete I’ve done this at least 13 times. F’reals.
28. Paint a straight line NO!
29. Use a French knife Un chuchillo espanol es mi chuchillo de preferrahnce!
30. Prune bushes and small trees I hate prunes! No!
31. Iron a shirt I will i-ron yo shirt like a pro
32. Fix a toilet tank flapper of which ours is ALWAYS broken. Done.
33. Change a single-pole switch this sounds boring.
34. Fell a tree in one fell swoop? Birch, please.
35. Replace a broken windowpane but doing the opposite is way more fun.
36. Set up a ladder, safely
37. Fix a faucet cartridge
38. Sweat copper tubing isn’t that illegal? Oh you said ‘sweat’.
39. Change a diaper only done it three times. Hubs has changed hundreds. I’m clearly lacking here.
40. Grill with charcoal this equals flavor!
41. Sew a button on a shirt my womanly skills should come into play here…nope. Not even here.
42. Fold a flag or here…nope. Still nope.

Medical Myths

43. Treat frostbite I’m
44. Treat a burn CPR
45. Help a seizure victim certified,
46. Treat a snakebite sucker!
47. Remove a tick eewneverunlessIabsolutelyhaveto!

Military Know-How

48. Shine shoes
49. Make a drum-tight bed I can short sheet a bed…
50. Drop and give the perfect pushup give me half a second and that’s all you get.

Outdoors

51. Run rapids in a canoe
52. Hang food in the wild I only recently just learned why you did this
53. Skipper a boat this sounds lovely
54. Shoot straight a regular Annie-get-your-BB gun, I am.
55. Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike Josh did this and almost died, so no.
56. Escape a rip current I wont go further than my shins. no.

Primitive Skills

57. Build a fire in the wilderness yep.
58. Build a shelter piece a’ cake.
59. Find potable water “potent potables” for 400 Alex!

Surviving Extremes

60. Floods I live in California.
61. Tornados I live in California.
62. Cold I live in California.
63. Heat I live in California.
64. Lightning I live in California.

Teach Your Kids

65. Cast a line
66. Lend a hand
67. Change a tire check.
68. Throw a spiral check.
69. Fly a stunt kite
70. Drive a stick shift
71. Parallel park in my boat? No prob.
72. Tie a bowline in microsoft word, I drew a picture of a bow on a line. blogger doesn't know what's up.
73. Tie a necktie
74. Whittle
75. Ride a bike

Technology

76. Install a graphics card
77. Take the perfect portrait
78. Calibrate HDTV settings
79. Shoot a home movie
80. Ditch your hard drive …aren’t these all, like, so 2000?

Master Key Workshop Tools

81. Drill driver
82. Grease gun
83. Coolant hydrometer …
84. Socket wrench
85. Test light I
86. Brick trowel
87. Framing hammer don’t
88. Wood chisel
89. Spade bit know
90. Circular saw what
91. Sledge hammer oh I know this one!
92. Hacksaw
93. Torque wrench any
94. Air wrench of
95. Infrared thermometer
96. Sand blaster these
97. Crosscut saw
98. Hand plane things
99. Multimeter
100. Feeler gauges are.

Let's hope you're smarter than me and have way better things to do that what I just did right now.
I'm going for a walk.

Names.

2011-09-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

What is your name? Do you know what it means? Have you ever looked it up? Did you ever have one of those little bookmarks that had your name on it with the meaning on top of a field of flowers?

Maybe that was just me.

Towards the latter end of high school, Erin and I had a conversation about our names. I can’t remember the exact context, but I think we heard a sermon or had a conversation with someone about how our truest form of ourselves will be our new bodies in heaven. Somehow it also came up that God has a new name for us.

Israel is told in Isaiah 62 that she “will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.”

In Revelation, the angel tells the church in Pergamum, “Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it.”

Daniel and his buds got new names by Belteshazzar (okay they were opposite of the names God gave them, but name changes are really important in the Bible!).

In all this, I remember thinking, “sweet! I really don’t like my name! It’s at least a generation ahead of mine, and it would be awesome if God gave me a new one.”

So I set about asking God for a new one. Erin did too. I prayed about it when I thought about it and asked God for it to come up in my mind as a flashing neon sign that would be my new, cool name. I prayed for a week. It never happened.

In college, I remembered our conversation and would casually bring it up to God and remind Him that I still didn’t have a new name yet. Maybe every six months or so.

Erin called me one day out of the blue and told me that among some other things, God had revealed her new name to her. She didn’t tell me what it was, just that she was excited because it was such an intimate thing. I was happy for her. But I got annoyed. It’s been at least three years, God. What the heck? When does my cool name get to be given to me? [I’d like to say at this point I didn’t know whether or not this was going to happen. I wasn’t even sure if it was necessarily biblical or right or whatever, I just thought it would be cool.]

I graduated college and forgot about it.

Then, a couple nights ago, we showed Rob Bell’s “Name” Nooma film to the college group. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. In it, people take off layers and layers of colored t-shirts with descriptions on the back of them. Names like artist. condo. HIV+. addict. listener.

Rob Bell asks, “Who are you? Who are you …really? How do you see yourself? How do you project who you are to others?” Good stuff to think about.

Out of nowhere, clear as day in my head I heard,

“Remember how you wanted a new name? Your name is the one you have. Do you know what it means? Be confident in that name, for it is true.”

What the...?!

Karen means “pure”. And my middle name is Grace.

Pure is never something I’ve never thought synonymous with myself. Much of my struggles come from lust, self-gratification and selfish desires. Guilt has riddled my life. ‘Purity’ was a dirty word, but it never seemed possible.

And Grace? Ha. I’ve been fighting God for months, no, years on how I feel about grace. (I know it doesn't matter how I feel, I just have an incredibly hard time accepting it.) Only now have I begun to scratch the surface that it’s not how I feel about it, but the meaty, honest-to-God truth of the matter. Grace is unadulterated and free and there is an unlimited supply. Mix that with squeaky-clean purity and you get one confused girl who doesn’t know herself, but knows she should feel comfortable in the skin she’s in. But she’s not.

Until Sunday night.

It’s like Jesus said, “My gift to you IS pure grace…yet you can’t bring yourself to accept it. You can’t bring yourself to accept yourself.”

Whoa.

I don’t know where you’re at with purity. With grace. With yourself.

But be encouraged that you’re not alone in figuring out where you are with God. It probably changes every day. It does for me.

However, I do know that I’m loved. That I’m accepted. That I’m new and pure. My heart just is just ten times slower on the upkeep than my head.

Yours probably is too.

So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! [Paul’s letter to the Corinthians]

I won't be asking anymore for a new name.

On Food.

2011-09-02T16:44:00.000-07:00

I have a few friends who hold the line of thought that if they didn’t have to eat at different times of the day, life would be so much easier. They just don’t like eating. I mean, they like food, but they see eating as an inconvenience. I have no idea what they’re talking about. I love to eat. I love hearing new delicious endeavors that my friends have embarked on (most of which I’m too chicken, pun intended, to try!). Smelling savory meat, cutting fresh fruit, tasting tart yogurt is absolute bliss.

To our surprise, since getting married, my husband and I have become culinary nerds. This does not mean that we’re competent in skills by any means, but we somehow can’t seem to get enough of Master Chef, Iron Chef (new and old school), Hell’s Kitchen. We even put our laptop on the toaster oven to watch new episodes as we attempt new recipes. I’m on the tail end of finishing and drooling over reading Julie & Julia. So, yes. Nerds, I say! Josh has attempted and is perfecting the perfect wine reduction sauce over steak, I’m in the process of refining and doctoring a banana bread recipe (of which I burned last week) and yet we’re perfectly content curling up on the couch with a bowl of cereal for dinner. Hey, I’m a new student again; I can sometimes afford to be lazy sometimes! We’ve discovered also that Josh is more of an inventive pioneer than I, and I not as adventurous as I previously thought. I tend to stick to what I know. But alas, we just really like food.

But all of this has got me to thinkin’.

Food is good.

Food is a word.

Food is the word.

Food is the Word.

The Word is food.

You can eat, chew, consume, masticate, swallow, digest, burp your dinner.

You can eat, chew, consume, masticate, swallow, digest, burp the Word.

I had lunch with a dear friend recently and we grappled over the idea that though we knew the couple verses about how the Bible is something we can “consume”, we don’t really know how that is a reality in our daily lives.

So we started comparing how and when we eat things to how and when we consume the Word. It’s not very fluid. But you’ll get the picture.

Milk. Babies drink milk. I LOVE milk. 2% probably makes me more excited than it ought. Peter says, “Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.” Awesome! I can taste and see that God is good by drinking milk! Sure! He says this in context of doing this to rid yourself of the impure things in your life and comparing drinking milk to filling yourself with pure things. Fill yourself with the things of God. Pretty simple. Like babies. Okay babies aren’t simple. Whatever.

But then Paul says, “Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.” Huh. So if you’re an adult and you’re drinking milk all the time, it might not be the most health-full thing for you. Milk is good, but you need other things in your life to keep you going.

Sometimes I think that I drink “milk” too often. There are people in my life who have been sucking on the spiritual bottle for too long, if ya know what I mean. We sometimes revert back to our old ways. I hope we can be an encouragement to each other to put down the bottle and pick up the fork.

Eating. We do this on a normal basis. We eat three-ish times a day. We equate this most often with a “daily devotion”. Do we have to spend time before school or during our 15 minute break or before bed for some intense Bible-reading? No. But like eating regularly, it sure is health-full. Pretty simple.

Hearing a sermon or going to a Bible study, could probably be classified as “eating” too.

Snacking. Apple slices, popcorn, a handful of chocolate chips, iced tea, [insert your favorite snack here]. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t love a good snack. Research shows that snacking in moderation is really good for you.

To stay spiritually healthy, we should “snack” on the Word every so often. In between our “big meals”, little words of encouragement, verses, or “snacks” can keep us going when we’re feeling drowsy or dumpy.

Gorging. Have you ever been so hungry that you opened the fridge that even the box of baking soda looked good? For hyperbole’s sake, probably. But probably not. Once I was so hungry and lazy that I ate a whole bag of Lay’s barbeque chips. Now, those things are heavenly, but heaven is not what I felt like post-gorge. We get this way on Thanksgiving, too. We don’t eat much Wednesday, and then feel like dying Thursday evening.

Have you ever gone a really long time and had a stark realization of “CRAP! I really want/need/crave me some WORD!”? And then you proceed to read chapters upon chapters upon books upon… you get the picture…until you almost feel sick of it? I have. Our brains love what we’re reading, but it’s so much so fast that it can’t process it quick enough that we almost go into a coma. I’d submit that this method isn’t the best for you.

Burping. Or other forms of bodily noises. Take your pick. Sometimes stuff comes out of our bodies that we didn’t expect. Or want. Same thing happens when you feed yourself stuff other than the Word. Not that you shouldn’t read stuff that isn’t the bible. I’m definitely not saying that. I love supplemental reading. Plus, I can’t put down Julie & Julia.

But what goes in comes out. Sometimes I hate what comes out of my mouth in a split second because of something I’ve seen or heard. It can be graphic and gross. And can make those around you squirm. Paul gives a pretty clear reminder: “Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall.” Shoot.

[You add your own food analogies. I would absolutely love to hear them!]

Dear friends, taste and see that the Lord is oh so good. Good for you, for you, and for your good.

Now let’s pick up our forks and dig in!

Why, Georgia, why?

2011-07-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

It strangely occurred to me tonight as we played poker that all I really want are answers.

I want to have them.

I want to share them.

No.

I want to throw them around like candy.

I want to make sure they don’t go anywhere and that they don’t change.
I want the people I love to have them and keep them and give them away, too.

Nothing ginormous has happened in my life that begs an answer that I’m dying for.

But something, something deep down, something beyond what I can express, simply wants there to be a reason for everything. I think humanity really thirsts for this too.

One thing I’m learning that I’m passionate about is to provide insight on things that I’ve learned, in hopes that others can benefit and be better. It’s one thing fueling me to do some sort of counseling. However, things can far too quickly become self-congratulatory, pride sets in and things can go downhill. Shoot, one of the main reasons I started blogging was to separate the thoughts in my head from what is real and true and what is not…and how to encourage others with my experiences.

Which is why I realized that so much of my life is spent wanting to do the right thing, say the right thing, basically be all-around “right” and still be relevant and cool. While simultaneously trying to maintain a certain amount of “right” in my life, I find that I really know a whole lot of nothing. For as much as I want to give good answers and say awesome things, I usually find some way to botch it up, have the wrong tone or leave something out.

All of this comes from legalism. Right, wrong. Black, white. Yes, no.

But what about the hell about center, grey and maybe? I want to know about those, because those places are all over my life and the lives of those around me and nothing fits in a pretty little fancy box.

Perhaps it’s the stirring in the soul or the quarter-life crisis that John talks about, but something happens in a 20-somethings life that makes them think they have all the answers, experiences and goals that no one else has, and then question all of it. What’s real and what’s not. Why did this happen to me? Why do I have this habit? Why do they do that? Why am I here? How am I supposed to love God more? How can I make a difference in the people around me? Am I living it right?

These questions will never cease to plague us. Ever. Which sucks, but at least it keeps things spicy.

All I’m sure of right now is that

I’m sunburned and tired.

I’m sunburned because of a day at the lake with my family.

The room I’m in is filled with a tuckered-out husband and four brothers that I love dearly.

There is much deep hurt in my family, church and soul that I don’t have any answers for. I genuinely wish I did.

I don’t know why I do the things that I do. Much reminiscent of Paul.

My 20-something self does want to change the world, but I can’t seem to change my contacts, so it might be a stretch.

I’m glad that I don’t have to rely on my self to have all the answers.

God is taking care of all the things I can’t. That we can’t. That you can’t.

That’s the best answer I’ve heard all day.

Sometimes and always.

2011-07-15T13:00:00.001-07:00

sometimes there is guilt.
sometimes there is anger.
most times there is frustration.
sometimes there is barely a glimmer of hope.
usually there is uncertainty.
more often than not, there is confusion.

but

always there is a
Father
who is not just loving, but Love.
always He is good.
always He is kind.
always He is just and provides just that.
He is not your dad who gets mad then glad then passive.
He is never ending in his listening to you.
He doesn't hate you.
He doesn't even think you're just okay.

He is for you. He loves you. who is then against you?

How the grad school application process works.

2011-06-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

begin yet another "short answer" question.
check facebook.
get some water.
find another book I liked in undergrad and talk about how it formed my thinking.
type type type.
facebook.
talk about my issues and how messed up i am.
think about the fact that i probably need therapy.
cry a little and realize i'm just stressing out.
get more water.
"like" something on facebook.
talk about what doing ministry looks like today.
eat a salad.
text Josh.
see there's anything on my hulu queue.
talk about why i want to be in the program.
look at craigslist job postings. nothing.
talk about listening to the voice of God and losing jobs and loving life.
see if Los Whit or Bianca Juarez have posted anything lately.
talk about my childhood and zits and boyfriends and family and struggles. yep they want to know about it.
think about what really matters.

let out a sigh.

finally turn off AirPort to actually get something done.
but not before i post this.

sigh.

Besides, which you see, I have confidence in me!

2011-06-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

I read this PostSecret today and it broke my heart.
One, because it's sad.
Two, because I hope that no one I know sent it in.
Three, I wonder what she means by "type of person". What does that look like for her?
And four, because even though I didn't send this in, this was my secret for about ...oh all of my life.

Somehow, somewhere, somewhy I got it through my head that this was true, and not like a oh-I-suck-because-I'm-not-pretty-whoa-is-me type of thing, but an I-will-never-truly-be-loved-by-any-other-man-that-is-not-my-dad-because-I-am-ugly-and-incredibly-repulsive-also-because-I'm-dumb kind of thinking. I thought I was too [fill in the blank] to get married.
Just so you know? This is extremely prideful and self-centered. I don't suggest it if you can help it.
And I'm only guessing that this is what this girl who sent in this postcard is thinking. And I'm sincerely praying for her and girls like her. I hope that she feels pretty today. And tomorrow she feels a little prettier and a little more confident.

Because it wasn't until a guy was interested in me for the first time did I start to think otherwise. Boyfriends really are cool things, even if you don't end up marrying them. I'm really a fan of dating more than one person before you get married. Not that you have to. Many people stupidly date just for the hell of it and the thrill of being in puppy love all the time. I'm just simply a fan of it. They make you feel nice (if you have a nice one) and pretty and they do nice things for you because they like you. Which really is wonderful. It makes girls (like this one) think a bit more highly of themselves.
But the one you marry? HE's the jewel. The one that makes you feel like a million bucks over and over again. He's the other half of the puzzle that is the image of God. so. stinking. cool. God is a genius to make men and women so different and complimentary and weird and beautiful and quirky. really cool.

But the devil has some nasty, nasty schemes. Most of which aren't new. Even in marriage, you can feel like scum. I feel like grime. I have bad, ugly, i-wanna-just-rip-my-face-off-i-wanna-scream days. The cool thing is that God is ok with us when we're not ok. When I'm not ok. There are still days that I feel like I did way back when and I wallow in self-pity and self-centeredness. But then! My husband will inadvertently walk through the room and by the grace of God I'll snap out of it. I realize that I am married. (Yes, it still seems very unreal.) I am loved. I am Loved. I am made in the image of God and so is he. And that this guy I married is my better piece of the whole and what was old is made new. God can bring beauty from ashes, even when we keep rubbing our face in the stuff.
So, even if you never get married, know that you are Known.
And worth getting to know.
And men and women? Even if you don't feel like it, you are beautiful and special and full of worth and you are not scum.

It's not much.

2011-06-13T00:02:00.002-07:00

22 8 year olds can really wear a person down. and I really didn't do much of anything!

1 day down.

4 days left.

all days right.

down side, not much sleep the past four days.

plus side, family.
also, the chance to talk to an adopted 3rd grader about having 4 parents. she realized tonight that Jesus is her dad since she never met her real one. INSANEly good. more about that later.

there really is more stuff to be glad than sad about. just look past yourself and your own crap.
so...not really any down sides.

Because I need to.

2011-05-26T16:27:00.001-07:00

Right now I am currently thankful for:

fake flowers
other people's dreams. they help me realize that I can have them, too
park visits
time with Josh
candles
potatoes. they make dinner easier. hopefully.
warm cement
warm sunlight through our windows
grace
being healthy, or at least more health-conscience
a down comforter
nail polish
a car that works

being home

The wounded trust slow.

2011-05-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

I really don’t mind that things aren’t going my way. To be fair, I don’t even know what “my way” is since I don’t have a plan at all. I never make goals for myself or dream anything big. But after about 47,624,927 interviews with potential employers, two new potential cars falling through, it really feels like I can’t do or say anything right. It really hasn’t been that many interviews, but lots of people have contacted me and nothing seems to be working.

My eyes are tired from staring at a computer screen searching postings and Craigslist for jobs. Most days I don’t do any looking and just feel sorry for myself. Like that does any good. Or I try to feel busy by cleaning the house, which just gets messy again, or going out, or hanging out with people.

But in all my trying, a voice taunts and haunts me daily saying, “You’re just lazy. Look at all your friends who’re all grown-up and have jobs. Your husband has to do all the work. You’re weak. Your degree is worthless. You’ll never go back to school. Even if you do go back, you’ll second-guess yourself every moment and think you chose the wrong direction, I’ll make sure of it. Also, you're not worth being loved.”

Um, so basically I feel like a failure.

I hate it. Hate. I’m so tired of it.

I keep listening for the still, small voice, but I don’t hear it all the time. I doubt. I wonder. I have a very hard time accepting who God made me to be. If you know me, and think I’ve got it all together, you’re mistaken. Following Jesus isn’t easy at all. And it hurts a lot sometimes.

But in all this, I’ve never felt closer to Him.

Good thing God is relentless in pursuing His kids, especially when they’re sore and worn out. His eyes search my heart and know what’s going on. He knows that the uncomfortable whispers feel normal, and though I know they shouldn’t be, I let them stay. He knows that I make subtle, unconscious agreements with them that keep me down and out. For once in my life, I don’t feel guilty, but I don’t feel complete. Kind of like when you break a figurine, find all the pieces, glue them all together, but it has lots of lines of glue oozing out of it. It just doesn’t look the same.

This excess of time I have is a blessing in disguise. I was gently reminded that Paul spent fourteen years in the desert before going out and beginning His ministry. Moses spent forty years in the desert as a preparation time. Jesus spent forty days in the desert being tested and tempted by the devil and at the end of it, angels came and attended to Him. So maybe "here" isn't so bad.

This is all an exercise in slowing down and accepting grace.

I keep thinking something’s wrong with me that I’m taking life slow right now. But that’s yet another lie that I believe. Please know that if you’re here too, or feel unsatisfied or incomplete or confused… this is possible. You’re not too far gone or lost or what not to be loved. Take it from someone who is prideful as prideful gets, I can’t accept love or gifts well. There’s grace for that too.

In all of this, looking outside myself is really the only antidote for feeling sorry for myself. And I have plenty good reason to! As of a couple days ago, the Freeland’s got word that they are “go” to adopt a little girl from Russia. Again. The joy I feel for them is huge and I’m excited to simply be in their lives as they watch God unfold yet another adventure in their lives. Last Thursday marked “Gotcha Day” for them…the three-year anniversary of bringing home Aeniah from Russia. Then later the same day, they received word that they were approved to be #6’s parents. God’s timing is impeccable. To read the beautiful unfolding story, read it on Brandy’s blog. It's so encouraging!

I think this is a “Gotcha” time in my life. It’s an exercise in making the slow realizations that I’m not in control and I don’t need to be. I really don’t like being in control anyway, or making decisions for that matter. But the more time I spend with Jesus, the more I gain confidence in my capabilities. The more I feel hugged. The more I know like we’re going to be okay. I have an incredible husband who’s been unbelievably encouraging. God gives good gifts. And allows alliteration. Haha. But really. It's hard keeping my chin up all the time. But there’s a reason for everything and God’s ways are crazy higher than our little near-sighted ones.

Amen and amen.

Sometimes running

2011-05-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

sometimes

I wish we could move out of country to escape "american" thought

religious banter

theological arguments

consumerism

thoughtless actions

and

annoying people

sometimes it just makes me feel too sick to function

sometimes I think it would just be easier

but

then I realize that I am part of all of those categories

and then I also realize that that would be running from the place where

put

and that just is not the best plan of action

the best way to handle anything

because Jesus is here.

and He wants us to love

here

He is also there, but He is here, too

so why should we run? there is no merit in that

to fall in grandiose love with Him is the only substantial thing to do

everything

comes in a far second

oh jesus, keep me and us and we here and in love.

Past is passed is passed over.

2011-04-17T17:55:00.001-07:00

This Sunday isn't any different than any other Sunday. But you and I need a reminder of where we came from and why we're doing what we're doing.

If you're a church-going person or were anything like me growing up, you're bought a fancy dress that you hate, you go to church, sit with your parents, either watch a drama or hear the pastor preach the same sermon, or a variation of last year's. You go home and eat a ham, some potatoes and hunt for Easter eggs.

As I've grown up, the tradition stays the same, but my heart starts to ask "why".
Why even buy the fancy "Easter clothes"? Jesus knows where my heart is, and my garb is not a good representation of that. Okay and I really don't much like dressing up. I just don't see a need for it.
But why a drama? Why the same sermon? Why do we keep traditions?

Because we're forgetful people. (That doesn't apply to the dress.)

If you're a church-going person, this holy day can become somewhat of a drag because it's so predictable, not unlike several others. I think I'm there now.
The heart gets warm and fuzzy because I understand now what the guy is talking about, then it hurts because I hear about how Jesus was crucified, and then I get really excited because "He is risen!" ("He is risen indeed!"). We can even sometimes predict who's going to play Jesus in the Sunday drama and go on assuming He was a white, brown-haired, good-lookin' guy. (Hey, He might've been, but don't make assumptions. I'm reading The Shack right now and it's a good reminder that our religious stereotypes aren't always correct.)
We even let ourselves get ahead of the preacher in our heads, thinking, 'yeah yeah, I know what's coming next...He died, Mary found Him, we sing praise hymns, yadda yadda.'

Perhaps now is the time to allow yourself to get out of that annual slump and let your heart be stirred. Take in the words. Let them affect you. God created you to live and to be reminded of why you're even alive in the first place. Let Sunday be a celebration in your heart.

As we go into the Easter weekend, I pray you are filled with much hope and joy, for these are not conditional of your current situation. May your skin be stretched and your heart filled up.

I forgot I wrote this...but it seems fitting.

Spiritual Osmosis

Skin is only the outer wall of the temple
the Holy of Holies
it stretches
it pulls
it pushes
it contains
but it doesn't keep Him in.

our bodies move together
like moving churches
collide.
cringe.
argue.
learn.
pray.
together.
for the Body is not a building...

the curtain has fallen
and the spirit moves as the spirit wishes
going from body to body
all at once
moving
interceding
changing us.
my skin is only a gate
to house the Creator.
He moves us but never leaves.

this frail frame of a body
has become a throne room
of my King.
I can dance before Him
and He with me
and no reservations.
in His throne room.
the cobwebs are gone
the corners swept clean.
the demons still lurk
but they shudder.

for they know Who made
the skin I'm in.

Spice-ay.

2011-04-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

This woman gives me something to think and chuckle about every day. Thanks, Jessica Hagy.

In other news, husband, brother and other amazing miscellaneous high school students are leaving for Mexicali tomorrow morning. It's nice to see a group stepping out in faith despite certain opinions about going south of the border. I'm so dang proud of them! And I know lots will be learned and understood and acknowledged and taught to everyone involved. I like having a God who is bigger than expectations and plans. Keep them in your prayers!

All I have is today.

2011-04-08T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today,

Outside my window…is drippy, soggy and wet handrails and cars zooming by. Also, my flowers are dying.

This thought impacted me… That the deep things of the heart, the things that really matter, thoughts and truths and lies alike, don’t really come out unless they’re provoked. If you aren’t in a position for them to be acted upon, they won’t be.

I found this fabulous blog… this guy www.ragamuffinsoul.com and his wife, www.whittakerwoman.typepad.com. She’s the one who started this list idea.

I am thinking… about my eyes and how they hurt and burn today, but keep thinking that God hasn’t taken away my eyesight, so I am crazy thankful.

My heart is… pensive. There are so many good purposes God has given us lately. New callings, blessings and heart-wrenching situations. I’m so grateful for them all, but they are hard. We are leaning on “My yoke is easy and My burden is light…” (Matthew 11:30) right now.

I am thankful for… an encouraging husband who pushes me to be better. And for highly encouraging friends.

From the kitchen… homemade pizza! Lemon chicken! Cake shakes!

I am creating… email lists. Not exciting, but it must be done!

I am going… nowhere quickly.

I am reading… blogs! And Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist, The Shack by Willam P. Young and One Thousand Gifts by Ann VosKamp. GOOD lineup.

I am hoping… for some promising news about a job soon.

I am hearing… a husband tap-tapping on his ipad, coffee being made, animated conversations. Also, that I there are new mercies today.

Around the house… colorful water cups and empty bowls of cereal, left by husband.

One of my favorite things… my new gecko!

A few plans for the rest of the week… have a bunch of students over tonight for two bounce and pizza! Surprise some family members with a new toy. Listen to my man speak to the church family on Sunday!

Here is picture for a thought I am sharing… we designate pieces of our life in segments like separate colors. We try to keep them separate, but sometimes God rubs them all together and our colors become messy and unrecognizable. Usually we think it's ridiculously gross and unkempt, but God's picture is really so much bigger...and always more beautiful.

picture courtesy of Ann VosKamp

Iris

2011-04-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

I've gone a little stir-crazy not having an animal around of some kind. Our poor neighbors' cats get ambushed by me whenever I see them (which is pretty often). That all changed when my brother gave me the best birthday present ever! Meet Iris:

Iris means "rainbow" in Greek. She lives up to her name! Yeah, she's not furry, but she still likes being pet and held. And I think she's beautiful! Now, it's on to get Josh to like her...

The truth about the "Honeymoon Phase".

2011-03-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

It sounds like a native-American time of the month when the moon looks like honey and it only comes around once a year. The real description is actually Greek, but that’s not important. People apparently know what it means. Moms and teachers and completely strangers know what it means. Because several of my newly married friends and I have heard this phrase at a minimum one hundred and eighty-seven times a week since we’ve been married, I have to wonder why everyone thinks it applies to us. Even those who’ve been married a couple years can be lumped into the newlywed category. The phrase can be a point of irritation for many because of the depth it suggests, but the realistic shallow conversation that will most likely take place can produce much frustration. It may come across that I’m a bitter young married woman who hates conversation, but this is far from the case. I love talking about my husband and about relationships and marriage and all that fun stuff. It’s a huge passion of mine! But the reality that it’s an assumption has got me a-thinkin’.

It’s hard to take it seriously, because can very easily be interpreted in a variety of ways.

What I’ve perceived the honeymoon phase to be (from myself and others):

- A time period when all you want to do is be with the other person (rather normal, I’d say).

- An implied “you-must-just-have-crazy-sex-all-the-time” emphasis from others. Don’t lie. If you’ve asked it, you’re hinting at it.

- It’s a time when you overly idealize the other person and their habits, ideas and actions and believe that nothing will change about them.

- Researches say it lasts around 3-6 months tops (this counts for dating relationships and marriage).

- Being in a puppy-dog-lovey-dovey-googley-eyed love with the other person. This doesn’t even sound fun. Perhaps if I was in a cartoon, maybe.

- People assume it will end after a while.

- The actual honeymoon after the wedding that lasts a couple of days or weeks and then it’s back to the grindstone.

- [Add your own assumptions here.]

Philip Van Munching’s book Actually, It IS Your Parents’ Fault uses the term "idealized positive transference" to describe the honeymoon stage and is taken from psychology. “Idealized”, meaning your ideal image of the perfect person. “Positive”, meaning that you perceive things are not inherently negative in your relationship. “Transference”, you actually “put on” the projected idealized positive person on your significant other. During this time, we also build up some sort of tolerance why they have some disappointing features that we may not have noticed before (119). [Note to those of you who’re dating someone!: if you haven’t found anything disappointing in your significant other, don’t take that as a sign they’re marriage material. Quite the opposite. Wait until you’ve found something to complain about, then we’ll talk! Then you know they’re a real person.] This happened while we did long distance. Our only option was to talk and to be honest. When Josh moved to Fresno, we could’ve gotten married, but didn’t know what it was like to live and do life in the same town. So we waited. Good things come with time. And it’s true. There were things I found out that he didn’t like about me (and vice versa), but they weren’t make-or-break things. By doing community and living in houses where lots of other people lived, we learned how the other lived. Through all this, I’d say it was a “honeymoon time” because we were learning so much about each other’s personalities and it was really exciting!

What I believe about whatever it is we’re talking about:

- It lasts as long as you want it to last. This includes when you have kids.

- The people who usually ask assume that it’s a one-time, beginning phase in life.

- They usually really don’t care about the answer. It’s the go-to “how’s it going” for new couples. I get that. No worries. I might actually not mind a “how’s it going” every once and awhile.

- Any stage of the relationship you’re in has it’s ups and downs. Each can be filled with immense joy and intense sorrow. We’ve experienced both.

Many couples I know who’ve been married for a year or thirty years say it waxes and wanes, but it usually doesn’t go away if you’re serious about making the relationship work. So it saddens me sometimes when people assume that it will go away. I also work under the framework that if you think things are perfect, you are ignorant. Things can go well, but if you’re honest with yourself, things are usually far from perfect. Which is why it’s so important to lavish grace on yourself and your partner! (Eph 1.7-9) I have such a hard time lavishing grace. We all do.

Josh recently blogged: “Similarly, when we don’t spend the time needed to lay a strong, solid foundation in our relationships, they are doomed to fail from the beginning, the only question is how far along you will get before you realize things are crooked. And the farther you get, the greater the consequences.” I’m married to such a wise man.

We dated for three and a half years. It could’ve been longer or shorter. I know that if we’d gotten married when several people suggested that we do a couple years ago, it would’ve been tougher than it is now. We learned to communicate for two and a half of those dating years over 2,500 miles. We talked to our parents, mentors and close friends for advice. We planned and strategized and still do with the future in mind. We attended marriage conferences a year before we got married. We decided that it was worth it to start the foundation early on building a marriage than starting at square one on September 18, 2011. We had and have a passion for each other and for doing things right. However, we can do everything “right” and still not have it work out in our favor. If God is not invited to be the main advice-giver and encouragement-giver in your relationships, you will fail. We’ve failed many times. Many. I’ve lost count. But so many times in Scripture it says if you’re striving for righteousness for the sake of righteousness, you will fail. But true righteousness comes through faith in Jesus.

So sure, I suppose we’re in a honeymoon phase. We’ve been in it since we started dating. We know the other is completely imperfect, but still perfect for us. Marriage should be fun. Dating should be fun. Friendships should be fun. Life should be full!

So, if you happen to run across me, Josh or any other newly-wed couple and ask, “how’s your marriage going?” or “oh you must not have any worries yet, you’re just in the honeymoon phase”, please don’t be offended if you get an awkward look, unless that’s what you’re looking for. Just like you, doing life with anyone is a day-to-day endeavor. Just like your marriage. Or relationship. Or day. Whatever. Be encouraged. I am. Let’s just keep working towards strengthening our marriages and friendships. They are what matter most.

There's no time to wallow.

2011-03-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

When life feels like it's crawling at the pace of a snail, it can often seem like there's nothing doing on God's end. It's one of those times when God is quiet. Feels distant. Might be somewhere else. Not pulling at your heartstrings at any given notice and you wish He were.

However.

Deep down, you know this isn't true. It just can't...right? You were taught in Sunday school that Jesus doesn't leave us. Loves us. Loves the little children. And that we're not supposed to hide our little lights under bushels. Whatever. Simple truths are simple. But true.
We have to live by what is true, no matter what our feelings are whispering (or screaming) in our heart's ear. Living by the promises of God is the one thing that we can grasp at any moments notice in our time of need.

Today, His face was in the dark streaked clouds racing across the sky, pushing away the blue.
His voice was in the words spoken at Starbucks, youth group, in aimless walks around Riverpark to dear friends.
His scented breath was in the new air, reminding us that things are always made new.

His ears are everywhere, in your pillow as tears make wet the sheets, in your car while you drive to take a dreaded final, in a friend, sitting next to you on the couch as you push life out with a controller, as you balance your banking account wondering where rent is going to come from.

His words are in the whisper. They weren't in the powerful wind, earthquake, fire, nor will they be when you beg them to be. [2 Kings 19.11-12] "God, why can't you just speak to me from the sky or send something down to show me what I'm supposed to do here!" That's not how it works. They will be in the whisper that you have to listen for.

Part of the fruit is patience. Patience to see, hear, taste, feel, smell Him. You will.

A watched inbox never boils.

2011-03-18T11:47:00.001-07:00

Refreshing one's email inbox hoping to hear back from a job interview is like lifting the lid to see if the pasta water is boiling yet. Don't watch that pot!

I just want to know so badly...

More or Less? Less is more.

2011-03-08T23:36:00.000-08:00

Fed up. Wanting more of life. Wanting less of things. Tired of roller coaster emotions. Not wanting a job. Loving not having one. Family feeling 'fects of said lack. Tired of pressure to find a job. Wanting purpose. Still don't see purpose as equivalent to job. Score for that one. Wanting unlimited supply of paint.
Wait.
No job, no money, no paint. I will paint in my brain, then.

Thus,

Less facebook. Less eyes twelve inches from screen. Less headaches.
More reading. More writing. More family time. More Jesus. More beautiful.
Let's make it happen. More or less.

Comfort vs. criticism.

2011-03-04T19:58:00.000-08:00

While sweating my brains out on an elliptical today, Francis Chan tickled my ears. That sounds awkward.

Anywho, he recently went back to his church after being gone for a long while and talked of his adventures and how God was molding and changing him. It was pretty awesome stuff. One thing he said struck me. I can't remember where he said he was, but it was somewhere in Asia visiting a church where babies cried, children screamed their lungs out to Jesus and adults sang in varying octaves in their services. They were overjoyed at life. Chan was invited to speak a little, and was overcome with humility and didn't want to talk about himself, but eagerly wanted to hear the stories of these people. He spoke a little, encouraged them, and then said, "tell me about the persecution you face...what is it like?" The congregation seemed taken aback. "What do you mean?" "Don't you face persecution on a daily basis? What is it like for your church?" He said they looked utterly confused. "...Isn't every Christian persecuted? Aren't people from where you're from persecuted?" Chan replied, "No. No...we're not."

Lots of surprise all around. They believed that it was most common for followers of Jesus to face daily affliction. That makes sense given their situation. But us? I remember guys throwing food at our prayer circle in high school, that was about it.
All I do know is this:

God blesses those people who are treated badly for doing right. They belong to the kingdom of heaven. God will bless you when people insult you, mistreat you, and tell all kinds of evil lies about you because of me. Be happy and excited! You will have a great reward in heaven. People did these same things to the prophets who lived long ago. Matt 5.10-12

Are we really doing our best to truly live out the love and new life Jesus gives us if we're not facing any adversity for it? Maybe. Maybe not. 2 Timothy 3.11-13 says "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted..." Perhaps we just don't want to step on toes. Or we don't want to put ourselves in uncomfy situations with people. Or we don't want to insult, annoy, provoke or offend anyone by what we say. I won't answer that, but how did Jesus interact with people?

Whatever it is, I know I need to step it up. Or maybe just head on over to Asia.

We are more than conquerors.

2011-02-22T11:57:00.000-08:00

Savior, He can move the mountains,

My God is Mighty to save,

He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave.

He wrote salvation. He created us to have a need. He knew we needed to be saved from ourselves. So He was. He simply is. He overcame obstacles that we could never even touch with a ten-mile pole to show us that we're little babies. That our problems are small compared to Him. Not that they're insignificant or unimportant, but that He moves mountains. Mountains. Everest. He also came and showed up the grave. We die. Our grandparents die. Our pets die. We squash bugs along the sidewalk.

We can picture that.

My grandpa was buried in Reedley. I remember that. But he's going to walk again someday because of a ten-foot cross that he believed would make him well again. But knowing that death has no hold on us is so insane. Simply because we believe.

It shouldn't be that easy. But it is. I serve a Mighty God. We're loved by a Mighty God.

I pray you feel that in your bones.

Time flies, walks and crawls.

2011-02-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

"Full attentiveness is the only thing that slows time. Catches time.
...Life is only all our moments slipped on in a row, one after the other — and if you turn slow in the light, the moments might shine translucent and the surprise of it catches you and releases you and it is what you always hoped and always knew. There is mystery and glory in every now.
And this is the only way to slow now down, to slow time down: it’s only when I fully enter into now, that the weight of being fully here can slow time down."

- Ann VosKamp

Are we actually speeding time up by not paying attention to what goes on around us?

The words we say, the words we write, the food we make, the people that are in our bubbles?

We seem to always mention 'time is always passing us by', about how kids grow up too fast, school is over and done with (it's true), our work week flies by, etc. Perhaps our minutes would go by slower if we actually paid attention to the little things, however mundane, around us.

Love observations over one hour.

2011-02-13T16:59:00.000-08:00

There is so much love. Love is seen so many different ways, through so many lenses.

From where I sit, some chicano music is bumping someone's stereo.

A couple stylish couples sit drinking coffee, a couple tea. Coupling.

A hummer is failing to parallel park.

A family just got froyo. I don't think the kids have ever had it before.

"He's 18 now, so that shouldn't make a difference."

A too-tight-pant-wearing couple nuzzles, cigarettes and books in hand.

So many dark pink, striped shiny bags swing by.

It smells of ginger.

Muttering homeless man bumps my table. I smile, I get a frown.

There's a girl over there I know with a baby wearing too much pink. Well, I know her face. Not her.

White | Black, Eleganza, Victoria's, Tilly's, Yoshino's, Teazer, Borders.

Big hair, beanies, leather satchels, suede wrinkled boots, yellowed teeth.

A man just gave a family bread.

A little boy spins in circles with his sweatshirt hood on and the strings pulled tight, squished face.

Couples. So many couples.

One of my old small group girls attacked me at my table. I loved it.

A boyfriend yells angrily at his girlfriend.

Bugs are starting to slowly accumulate on my screen.

Little Russian children stomp feet happily screaming Russian words.

The twinkle lights just came on and the sky is now pink.

It's sweater time.

There is a perceived love and beauty in everyone of these things. Realistic, true, or right is in the eye of the beholder. Or God.

"Think how much the Father loves us. He loves us so much that he lets us be called his children, as we truly are. But since the people of this world did not know who Christ is, they don't know who we are. My dear friends, we are already God's children, though what we will be hasn't yet been seen. But we do know that when Christ returns, we will be like him, because we will see him as he truly is." [CEV]

"If you're not prepared to be wrong...

2011-02-09T17:29:00.000-08:00

...you won't come up with anything original."

Neighbors.

2011-02-07T17:36:00.000-08:00

Neighbors have always made me nervous.

Growing up, the neighbors to the left of us were of the overly-grouchy nature and had an incredibly scary dog.

The family to the right was pretty cool until they moved away when I was seven and a fatherless family moved in who weren't very nice and the daughter taught me at age eight what a period was. Freaked me out.

Across the street lived a really nice lady who invited us over a lot but then she moved to Alaska.

Across the street to the left lived a grouchy shut-in old lady who didn't talk to anyone and would threaten to call the cops on anyone who so much as sneezed as they walked past her house.

Across the street to the right was a dude who was never home and my dad just cut his grass all the time.

When I moved out with the girls, we had so many people in and out of the house, I never really got to know the cute old couple next door, or the hispanic family with the adorable daughter who stuck her head through our fence to pet our dog. I wanted to, but I always felt too awkward.

Moving into an apartment and living so close to people really want to know our neighbors. The lady next to us is quite elusive and shuffles inside whenever we go out. But she has lots of cute plants.

However, there is Brenda. She and her son and little dog live below us. She's super sweet, but seems sad. I always feel awful when we have people over because we make so much happy noise. Also, because we probably walk too heavy on our floor/her ceiling. I've been wanting to get to know her more, but haven't seen her much.

Today, Jesus gave me an opportunity to talk to Brenda at length. I swept our nasty porch free of pine needles and everything fell onto her "yard" so went downstairs to sweep it up. It was gross. She came outside and we talked jobs, lack of money, animals(!), her ex, our apartment and neighbors. She knows a lot of ours. I just figured it was because she had a cute dog. Even though we didn't talk about much, it was really good to connect. She's going through a divorce and it's confusing. Her situation isn't different from other peoples's, but it is unique to her. She wants friends, but is nervous to let people in.

If you think to, ask Jesus to soften her heart. Or maybe for the money so we can get a dog and we can walk them together! Okay that probably won't happen, so more conversations with her will have to suffice.

Perhaps it's the new "warm" smell in the air. Perhaps it's the flowers people grow on their porches. Perhaps it's all the cute little kids running around. Whatever it is...I have hope that we will get to know our neighbors better. I'll take the literal interpretation of Luke 10, thank you.

Appreciation.

2011-02-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

I just applied for a job at the Apple store. That in itself isn't a big deal, but I am so appreciative of such a stress-free application process. It was quick yet thorough, clean and informative and, dang it, I just felt trendy. So thanks, Apple. You'll make a believer out of me yet.

At this point, I'm not at the place yet to say that I chose the wrong thing to go after in college. Getting a degree was awesome...but I have yet anything to show for it, aside from a piece of paper. I almost wish I was an RN right now because on the current CalJobs board, there are an open 35 positions in Fresno County. Just kidding. I could never be a nurse.

Still, though I don't regret college at all, there's this part of me that wonders why. Why does society put pressure on practically having people sign in blood what you want to do with your life? I've felt so much pressure in trying to find a job in my field, but what if I want to do something else? It was just never really taught to me that your job is the primary identity-drawing thing for your life. I'm just me. And I can be lazy sometimes...

Hopelessness isn't an issue right now because I choose for it not to be an issue. I talked to Promise yesterday and she encouraged me in saying that if you strive for happiness and everything that comes from wanting to be filled with earthly things, you will get earthly reactions: anger, frustration, a hurt heart and a grouchy face. But if you're striving to be filled with things of the Spirit (joy, patience, gentleness, etc), there is no alternative. You will get those things.

Anywho, it's also not an issue because, quite frankly, I love being home. I love it. I've been able to read, think, paint, pray, etc. This could just be the season I'm in. Josh is helping me not be lazy and keep looking for jobs(thanks babe!), and spending time with him and Him are just what I've been needing.

Thus, I appreciate.

I give bad advice.

2011-01-26T14:46:00.000-08:00

"To make things less weird, you should buy a churro."

Sounds simple, doesn't it?

2011-01-16T00:52:00.000-08:00

I tell you not to worry about your life. Don't worry about having something to eat, drink, or wear.
Isn't life more than food or clothing? Look at the birds in the sky! They don't plant or harvest. They don't even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them.
Aren't you worth more than birds?
Can
worry
make
you
live
l o n g e r?

Why worry about clothes? Look how the wild flowers grow.
They don't work hard to make their clothes. But I tell you that Solomon with all his wealth wasn't as well clothed as one of them. God gives such beauty to everything that grows in the fields, even though it is here today and thrown into a fire tomorrow. He will surely do even more for you!

Why do you have such little faith? Don't worry and ask yourselves,
"
Will we have anything to eat?
Will we have anything to drink?
Will we have any clothes to wear?
"
Only people who don't know God are always worrying about such things.
Your Father in heaven knows that you need all of these.
But more than anything else, put God's work first and do what he wants.

Then the other things will be yours as well.

This is crazy talk.

Hold your tongue.

2011-01-13T12:16:00.001-08:00

I've decided that complaining doesn't help you feel better about the situation, but rather embitters you more and susceptible to embittering others.

So...stop. Hey Karen. Stop.

Philippians 3

2011-01-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

Nothing is as wonderful as knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have given up everything else and count it all as garbage.

All I want is Christ and to know that I belong to him.

I could not make myself acceptable to God by obeying the [Law of Moses]. God accepted me simply because of my faith in Christ. All I want is to know Christ and the power that raised him to life. I want to suffer and die as he did, so that somehow I also may be raised to life.

How do we give up everything else?

He is beautiful and true truth. The fact that we are able to have that power in us should floor us. And we hardly ever tap into that. But what does that look like?

I struggle to forget what is behind, unlike Paul. We let our pasts shape us, but it is so difficult to forget fully. And it's painful.

Sometimes I feel I don't know how to work the system: between working in the Spirit and getting sucked back into the past. Other times, I feel like I'm cheating when I "should" be remorseful but feel completely joyful and at peace. This, I think, is the devil at work. I think that somehow, it's okay for us to be at peace and in sorrow simultaneously. Maybe you disagree, but I think that the Spirit works in us that way. Jesus wept for friends who had died...and had all the power of God in Him. He turned over tables and was angry when people thought they were being spiritual. He acted in ways that seemed backwards to most people, but we're to act and live and breathe like He did. So...yeah. I think Jesus, God, Holy Spirit are/is okay with us being complex. Being a woman, and God creating women, I think God really understood what He was getting into when He made us. He's okay with complexity. John Ortberg quoted Lewis Smedes in The Me I Want To Be in saying,

"God is so great that He does not need to be our only joy. There is an earthy joy, a joy of the outer as well as the inner self, the joy of dancing as well as kneeling, the joy of playing as well as praying."

That brings me so much peace. The fact that I can be who I am and that is who I am supposed to be.

I can be moody. I can be at peace. I can PMS. I can love people when I'm frustrated. I can genuinely enjoy a good piece of cake. I can make mistakes. All in one day. Shoot. One hour. And He's okay with that. And I'm attempting to be okay with that.

עִמָּנוּאֵל

2010-12-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

This Christmas season feels so festive and real. Usually I feel that Christmas comes too quickly or not soon enough...I'm not sure if it's having a husband this year or what, but Christmas came along at just the right time. Being with family felt like being around family. Christmas carols weren't annoying like they usually are. Crowds didn't freak me out as they normally do. I have a husband who is incredibly patient and life-giving during times of both stress and joy.

Been thinking about being blessed. I don't feel bad this year. Under normal circumstances, I would be fraught with guilt and shame for being part of the fraction of the world who are the "haves". See, it's not that I don't still have that feeling of extreme gratefulness... it's just that... this season I see that what I have, God has given me. WHAT?! God likes to give His children good things? It's like I've heard that a bajillion times before or something. The feeling of gratefulness and thankfulness has been consistent since Thanksgiving, and it's supposed to be that way all year round.

Baffling, it is to me, that I have so much, I forget to say thank-you for it, I forget or neglect to give it away... and yet God still takes care of me. Us. There is still this huge outpouring of grace when we do not deserve it. This comes whether I am who I'm supposed to be or "keep up my end of the deal" or ...grace just happens.

Thus, whether we are haves or have-nots, we can all rest easy because עִמָּנוּאֵל ...Emmanuel, God with us.

This makes us all haves. Whether we believe it or not.

This is true truth.

200 year world.

2010-12-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

I've seen this technology before, but what it portrays is astounding.

It makes me wonder if being in the "healthiest and wealthiest" sector is really the best thing...or really realistic. But it sounds like heaven... it just shows how we yearn for something better...

For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade—and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less.
That's why we live with such good cheer You won't see us drooping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don't get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It's what we trust in but don't yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we'll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming.
But neither exile nor homecoming is the main thing. Cheerfully pleasing God is the main thing, and that's what we aim to do, regardless of our conditions. Sooner or later we'll all have to face God, regardless of our conditions. We will appear before Christ and take what's coming to us as a result of our actions, either good or bad.

Pardon the Message translation, but it fits here. When it suggests that the Spirit "whets our appetite"...no more words need to be said :) My appetite is certainly whetted! The yearning for heaven is unbelievable...

I might have possibly said I have not eaten that.

2010-12-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

Could you go a whole day without using contractions (shouldn't, won't, haven't, that's, I'd, you'll, it's, etc.)?

It would pose the possibility of undeniably being a tad lengthier in content and people would probably think you were a freak... but could you? Just curious.

Bullets.

2010-12-07T17:28:00.000-08:00

My friend Abby has a text box on the side of her blog of things she's currently appreciating. I enjoy it. I love lists. When I write these lists, I tend to go incredibly in depth, which I realize...people like me are the reason bullet points were invented.

And so. Today I have greatly appreciated:

5:30 sky
Hand squeezes
Leggings
Mops
Chalk markers
Oswald Chambers
Common sense
Tangerines
Blank CDs
Squished faces
Kindness

It's just been that kind of day.

Un necessary.

2010-12-05T15:01:00.000-08:00

ugh. i haven't gotten anything done today that i've wanted to. seems as if my punctuation and grammar are suffering greatly as well.
As well. thanks, Shift.
gotten? who says 'gotten'? dumb. i guess i do.

i hate Josh not being here. he's only been gone a few days and will be home tomorrow, but still. in this short while, i've realized that he is my home. and when he's not here, well. you know. you never know what you have until it's gone. i feel an annoying toby mac song coming on... but seriously. how did we do two and a half years long distance? seems like so long ago. but being away from each other for a time is nesessary. neccessary. good lord. Lord. necessary. there we go. i'm a hopeless case today!

hey since i'm getting nothing done, let's bake. sugar always helps the soul, right?
cheese leweeze.

Baby confidence.

2010-12-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

For as much uncertainty about the future as there is...I'm feeling pretty confident in the Spirit.
For the first time, I'm feeling like I will make a difference in people and that I have the ability to do things well. Up til now, that's not been the case.
I think I have a direction.
And excitement.
Perhaps that's what matters.

It's beginning to look a lot like ho-ooome.

2010-11-19T10:52:00.001-08:00

It is a strange yet beautiful thing figuring out how to make a house a home. We have figured a couple of things out.

Josh is the cook. I am the baker. There is no butcher or candlestick maker.

We both are on the messy side but don't really care.

We both really enjoy it when things are clean and don't mind getting to that point.

We want to help people. When you don't have money, you try to find other ways of doing that.

Josh is the driven, goal-setting, forward-thinking one. I'm the undriven, let's-focus-on-now-and-maybe-tomorrow one. Both are incredibly necessary.

Neither of us care which way the toilet paper falls. Whew.

We both like food. A lot. Perhaps a little too much. As Josh has said before, "When I watch Hell's Kitchen, I feel like Gordon's talking to ME." "Yes, Chef! Yes I'll cook something better than this hot pocket I'm warming up!" Oh well, it's made for some good eats thus far. Pesto, taco soup, teriyaki chicken, cookies, sirloin steak...yum.

Josh likes to relax by watching TV. I like to relax by going outside or out of the apartment.

We both love Raising Hope and Modern Family.

We're learning to pray together. This is very beautiful and very necessary.

I know that home-making is a continual thing. And I'm excited to do that with my best friend!

Bye house.

2010-10-31T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today is a melancholy day. A year ago today I moved into the Millbrook house. You're right, I've since been married and moved out (just a couple weeks ago), but I still feel deeply connected to that house. Today is just the final day that everyone else is moving out. And my heart is strained.

But you don't understand. That house has taught me many things.
To live with people before you get married is a good thing.
Put your name on your food :)
Having roommates is hilariously and joyously fun. Also hard sometimes.
Open your doors to whoever. They will bless you.
Know your roommates.
You don't always get your way.
Your way isn't always the best idea.
Learning to make new food!
Jesus lives in and through people.

All of this is really typical in college...moving out, learning things, etc. However. This experience was more than that.
It fostered the best community I've seen unmatched anywhere. Bible studies were held here. Many meals were made here. There were awkward times, there were annoying times.
People laughed together here. People cried together here. People were convicted to action. People gave things away as needed. People took care of people. And these "people" weren't just the ones who lived in this house. These people were from the Rock, Fresno State, Fresno Pacific, Fresno City, other churches...it was nuts. The Holy Spirit resided in this house heavily. He still does. I pray He blesses those who will yet to live there as He did us.

These pictures are old, but are fond memories of this house that was more like an extended skin for most of us.

I'm sad. I'm so happy.

Thank you Promise. Thank you Terri. Thank you Breana. Thank you Lindsey. Thank you Alex. Thank you Bethani. You all are utterly beautiful.

And thank you Josh for making me move out of my parents' house before we got married.

This was amazing. Here's to living so much more life!

The Story of Me:

2010-10-28T01:03:00.000-07:00

So the fed-up head says to the heart, "You fool, you don't know anything!", causing the strung-out heart to retort, "You insensitive bastard, you don't feel anything!"

The end.

Food.

2010-10-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

The scenario:
I finish eating what I want out of the mac 'n' cheese pot and hand it to Josh. He's been eating Red Vines (blegh).
I say to him, "Eeeeh, that'll taste weird."
"What will?"
"You've been eating Red Vines! That'll taste weird with mac 'n' cheese."
"Well...you probably drink wine while making mac 'n' cheese."

Yep, I didn't get it either.
At least he's cute.

To begin building a home.

2010-10-05T00:54:00.000-07:00

We are settling down. In our home. In ...our home. It's only been two days, but still.

Some things we've been up to:
After two blissful weeks of being in Long Beach/Hawaii (which were both beautiful and adventure/fun-filled...pictures to come!), we were both dreadfully ready to be home. So I'm glad we are. I hope this newlywed stage lasts for a while. Its cool. We've both already experienced the "in sickness and in health" bit, beginning on our way back from Hawaii when I got a violent sinus cold which two plane trips didn't help. And coming home to a bedroom and shower filled with balloons, confetti and tinsel when I was puking my guts out was...cute.

We experienced the thunderous and enormously overwhelming generosity of our friends and family as we opened gifts with my parents yesterday. Still very gratefully overwhelmed, both mentally and emotionally. I've never physically felt so cared for...

We've got to enjoy reminiscing with our families about the wedding. It. Was. So. Fun. End of story.

Today began the adventure of attempting to change my name at the county clerk's office, social security administration, the bank and hopefully the DMV sometime this week. Not so fun...

Started decorating the apartment today with Bree's help and keen eye. This is exciting! Still looks like a tornado hit it, but it will look good soon!

I know people tell you to bask in all the glory that is being a newlywed couple, and we are.
I like the new feel.
It fits just fine. It's like putting on a crisp cotton shirt for the first time at the beginning of summer.
Okay wait, I've done that before. So it's more like going to a new country and learning to speak a new language and developing new habits and reading people in a new way and trying strange foods...all the while doing it with someone you love...it's crazy! And fun! I can't believe I got to marry a guy who seriously thinks that I'm worth sticking around with! Such blessings! Jeez.

This is all just crazy.

Okay. My Benadryl is finally kicking in...goodnight.

Love.

2010-09-17T23:52:00.000-07:00

I will have a husband tomorrow.

I like this.

Honor & respect.

2010-09-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

Someone wise recently encouraged me with this, and I feel that it should be shared with others getting married...or just simply dealing with the ups and downs of life:

"If people truly know you, they won't care/meddle with your carefully thought-out plans. If they meddle, they don't really know you."

Harsh? Yes. True? Absolutely.

This is just where I'm at.

It was good.

2010-09-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

Our heavenly Father gives us good things to us if we ask Him.
Sometimes I don't want to be persistent. It's tiring. There's a possibility I might not get what I'm asking for. So most times I don't ask. So it's a good thing He knows what's in our hearts...

Right now I can't begin to express my gratitude for all the goodness as of late.

I'm getting a husband on Saturday. It's too good to be true, but I'm so glad it is! My heart is so full for him...he's put up with so much, loves me with all he has, and is super excited with me to do life and ministry together.

The amount of people who've come alongside us over the past couple of months is overwhelming. Thank you.

On a personal level, the transition to Flipside has been challenging, but I'm finally becoming acclimated to being in a new family. I've never been the new kid, and I'm grateful for the love and support the church has shown us in starting our lives together. Keep praying that I find where I fit in the family...

There is so much more good. Friends are getting jobs and making transitions into the real world that I'm excited about, and very sad that one is leaving. But so is life! And life will continue to bring Him glory...and I'm glad that this life is simply a practice for what Good there is to come. I can't wait...

Party in my mouth.

2010-09-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

I've never blogged about a meal before.
But last night's was worthy of such.

Josh and I went to the Frampton's last night and helped make dinner as usual. The menu: shish kabobs and bbq'd corn on the cob. Nothing too out of the ordinary.
Each skewer contained a mixture of: marinated chicken. zucchini. onions. red & yellow bell peppers. pineapple. potatoes. mushrooms. all wrapped in bacon.

Then, the corn: Due, to allergies, we could only use coconut oil on the grill. So half of them had that. And the other half had coconut oil and homemade vanilla syrup. They tasted like kettlecorn on the cob.

It's okay to be jealous.

Omgomgomg.

2010-09-02T00:36:00.001-07:00

We're ready. We're not. I'm scared. I'm not.
I'm elated. What are we doing? We're getting an apartment? What?
The jars didn't work. That's okay. We'll figure something out.
I want the dress to fit. It's really beautiful.
We just got some lamps and bar stools. And mini muffin tins, don't forget those.
God will provide a job. I'm horrible with money. What am I doing?
I've never had so many candles/holders in my possession that are NOT going to work for the wedding.
Who sits with who?
"Don't worry, hon... everything will all be perfect that day. You have nothing to worry about."
Right. But I will worry up until then.
Can people have a toast with real toast? Seems cheaper to me.
I feel so disconnected from everyone. I miss being so involved with church.
Yeah, I know we're not going to remember what the tables looked like a year from now, but that's what I'm thinking about right now. Sue me.
We're actually doing this?
Can we move in before the 15th? Please people at Fort Washington? I'd really like to. Please don't be jerks about it.
But we're going to Hawaii. Ha-freaking-waii. omg. I feel undeservedly spoiled.
God is providing. We are cared for.
I'm apparently growing up right now? Seems so far from it.

Do not set aside.

2010-08-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

"If, while we seek to be justified in Christ, it becomes evident that we ourselves are sinners, does that mean that Christ promotes sin? Absolutely not! If I rebuild what I destroyed, I prove that I am a lawbreaker. For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

Galatians 2:17-21

Gratitude.

2010-08-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

This time in my life is so strange and new. I explained it to Sarah last night that it's like walking waist-deep in water. It's possible, but moving forward is tiresome and laborious and you wish you could just pick up your feet and swim, but that's not an option. I'm excited... I'm just not really that great at trudging through water. Especially when it feels like I have ginormous flippers on. And they're probably pink. Ah dang.

But even though I'm tired and worn out, I can't believe how lucky, blessed and undeserving I am to be where I am right now. It's so good it hurts...

I am utterly and deeply thankful. I wish I had more words to explain myself.

Wandering.

2010-08-10T10:23:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes it takes walking away from God to fully understand who He is and what you're missing."

Might be blasphemous, but I tend to agree.

Just a summer list.

2010-07-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

So, I've never been much of a movie buff, as the following list shows. Haven't seen a one of them. I don't really intend to get through them all, since you know, I have a wedding to plan. But let's get through a couple!

Summer movie list!

Braveheart

~~The Patriot~~

Titanic

I am Legend

Rudy

Pan's Labyrinth

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

Shindler’s List

Waking Ned Devine

V for Vendetta

One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Dances with Wolves

Life is Beautiful

~~The Legend of Bagger Vance~~

Lawrence of Arabia

Signs

Sunshine Cleaning

Boy in the striped pajamas

~~Julie & Julia~~

Dumb & Dumber

The Sixth Sense

Gran Torino

Animal House

The Green Mile

Pretty Woman

The Bodyguard

Field of Dreams

Independence Day

Men Who Stare at Goats

Away We Go

Numbers in my head.

2010-06-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

One man I love dearly.

Two more days til OGN.

Five dear bridesmaids that I hardly ever see.

Eight hours til I see the sun.

Ten more posts to two-hundred.

Fifteenish phone calls to make, I tremble.

Eighty-three more days til we are wed.

One hundred invitations to assemble.

Thousands of synapses firing fast.

One million other things to do. Avast!

Irony.

2010-06-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

You ask God for situations to learn patience.
You wait (most times not too eagerly) for those situations.
The funny thing is when you've waited a while, you tend to forget about what you asked.
Then God decides to give them to you.
"You waited too long, God!"
"Ha."

Eulabeia.

2010-05-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

⁸ Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

⁹ Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

¹² Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

¹³ keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

What does reverent fear look like?

What does it feel like?

What does it taste like?

Because we taste and see that He is good...

Gummy bears.

2010-05-04T00:43:00.000-07:00

Stressed spelled backwards spells desserts.

Altruism.

2010-04-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

I have way too much on my mind right now. I feel angry, joyful, perplexed, blessed all rolled into a Karen. Fantastic.

We were talking about altruism and why/when/how do we help people in my social psych class...and Jay stated, "I'm a firm believer in the fact that the most selfless thing you can do for others is keep yourself healthy." ...what? He went on, "if you are not fulfilled, have food in your belly, have a healthy attitude towards life, or have your body in shape it will be harder to fully give yourselves to others to help them in what they need." He even further explained that for you to think that you're doing other people a favor by sacrificing this or that or your own sanity or health for the sake of others, you're really doing a disservice to yourself and to others at the same time...and in the long run, you all will lose out on the lack of relationship helping promotes. So, not ignoring what you need (without going overboard, obviously) is actually benefiting others. Jesus took a lot of time to spend alone and with his closest friends so that He would be more effective in His ministry.

I don't live life with this mentality. I figure, if I can sacrifice my own pleasures, desires and overall health for the sake of helping someone else, I'll go that direction. I forget that not getting sleep causes sickness, not going to class causes grades to fail, not taking time to invest in hobbies and extracurricular activities causes me to not be who I'm created to be.

Thoughts?

Roadblock.

2010-04-12T12:28:00.001-07:00

I've started about six new entries since the last one. I can't seem to finish anything I start lately. Can't even keep my room clean. It's a depressing feeling. I mean, I guess I should at least should try and finish college. Even that seems like a mountain at this point...

Over the past few weeks, life has been full for many people. Very full of ups and downs, equally. I'm not sure what to do with it. My mind has been full of thoughts of heaven, justice, grace and doing hard things. I haven't had time to write, draw, paint...all the things to get stuff out.

I feel that I'm at a roadblock in my theology, relationships, actions. Yet I know there is no such thing. Moving forward is always possible, even if a few inches every day. What is there to do? So much hurt, hate, (un)forgiveness, love, emotion, lack thereof in the worl...in my community right now... living by the Spirit is the only viable option.

Songs minister to me. Especially right now.
So this will have to do.

And both of our hands are equally skilled
at doing evil
Equally skilled
at bribing the judges
Equally skilled
at perverting justice
Both of our hands

but...

Both of his hand are equally skilled
at ruining evil
Equally skilled
at judging the judges
Equally skilled
administering justice
Both of his hands

Both of his hands are equally skilled
at showing them mercy
Equally skilled
at loving the loveless
Equally skilled
administering justice
Both of his hands
Both of his hands

So now...we live in the joyful awareness of Christ.

Sabbath.

2010-03-18T14:29:00.000-07:00

Can't wait to get out of Fresno for a few days.
A sabbath is needed.

Ignore this.

2010-02-16T02:03:00.001-08:00

We ignore things.

We ignore the real reason why people do what they do.
We ignore the guy or gal on the street with the cardboard.
We ignore things about our body when they hurt...perhaps because we don't feel them or because we're in denial. Like certain grandmothers.
We ignore the talents placed within us.
We ignore taking care of our bodies.
We ignore chores that need to be done.
We ignore the hurt faces we see on the news.
We ignore the fact that we could die tomorrow. Scratch that. We could die in ten minutes!
We ignore getting our hairs cut.
We ignore giving our money away.
We ignore reading books.
We ignore healthy eating habits.
We ignore making that one phone call we said we'd make last week.
We ignore making small compliments.
We ignore meeting needs within the communities in which we live.
We ignore the speed limit.
We ignore how Jesus says He came that we might have full lives.
We ignore what it means to really love.

Some of these matter. Some don't. It's not my job or yours to be critical as to which ones are. There are more to add. Some could be taken off. No matter.
The argument could be stated that ignoring and forgetting are one in the same. That ignorance is to forget and forgetting is being ignorant. Baloney. Bologna.

Merriam-Webster says that : Forgetting is to omit or neglect something unintentionally. Ignoring is to overlook; slight, disregard, neglect. (To see the importance or significance and willfully turning a blind eye. What we all do to the lady on the street median.)

Ignoring is purposeful, forgetting is not.

Tim Kizziar is quoted in Crazy Love (p. 93) as saying, "Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter."

Do we ignore because we fear failing if we try? Are we ignorant because we want to save our sweet sweet selves within a context of a world that is dying? Who the heck are we to think that's okay?
Are you caught in a habit, a hangup, a mindset that won't matter at the end of your life? Are you? Am I?

In the long run, ignorance is not very blissful. We're responsible for how we act, the matter in which we carry ourselves and how we love and treat those around us.

Don't ignore what shouldn't be ignored.
Bottom line: look for what will matter in eternity. You only have a short time here.

Je ne comprends pas.

2010-02-08T01:18:00.000-08:00

I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever understand grace.

My heart oft explodes from that truth.

But I am okay with that.

[My mouth says that calmly while my heart goes on exploding.]

Hosanna.

2010-01-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it sucks that it takes some time to process things after they happen.
And usually it takes longer to process things in a quicker time than it took for said situation to happen.

I hate winter. Loathe it. For me, it denotes being sick, putting on more layers of clothing, runny noses, shivering, crappy fruit and staying inside.
I like the opposite of all these things.

However. I do like winter camp.

Since I interned at the Bridge this year, I've had an excuse to go to all the youth pastor network meetings. Instead of going to a high school camp where the program was already pre-made, all the youth pastors decided to work together to create United Winter Camp...the name says it all. When all was said and done, 18 churches were involved, meaning 400+ students and leaders were on our way to Old Oak Ranch in Sonora, CA. There were going to be talks on unity, evangelism, prayer, and social justice. 9 charter buses to haul everyone up there. Everything was set.

Note: I was skeptical of all this simply because it was new. Yes, postmodern me who loves change and new things was nervous. Probably because I knew a lot of the guys involved and I really wanted to see this be a success for them (yes, a human success. I am shallow). Oh, and to bring glory to God. But that wasn't on the front of my mind. Most of the girls in my small group were going...and for that I was SUPER excited. I was looking forward to having a chill weekend (pffft, whatever that means for high school camp) with them and getting to know the rest of our kids in our group. All this to say, my expectations weren't too high.

I decided to switch buses at the last minute.

There was a little bit more room on bus 5. Had a great time with the kids there...met a few more... Stopped to put chains on the buses. (Fiasco #1) It took way too long. Halfway up, a couple of them broke. We all stopped... then kept going. Yes, as most people heard...our bus slid and the tires landed RIGHT on the edge of the cliff. I am positive the Lord held onto that bus. There's no reason it should've stopped. Thus...glory to God!
Anyhow, we ended up on that hairpin turn with the bus behind us for about...four hours? I could be wrong on that number. We had to now wait for a tow truck to come get our bus which was now blocking the road completely. Later found out that the tow had to pull out another bus that tried to get around another...so we waited longer.

The kids doubled up on the other bus trying to stay warm and sleep some...others threw snowballs while the temperature dropped and a couple of us got to observe what happens to youth pastors when the rug is pulled out from under them and their plans don't go through like planned. It was brought up later that it was amazing to realize that at no point was there talk of, "Well our church is going to do this," or "I'm going to do my own thing and take my kids up myself." I'm really proud of them all.

A couple Jeeps shuttled girls throughout the night to camp so they could get to the cabins. A couple leaders and I took some students to three more buses down the road so they could get some sleep and not be cramped. We slept about an hour and a half...then were woken up to walk back UP the road to the bus that was now pulled out. By now...it was about 4am. Got on the bus, drove about 10 minutes, then stopped... we had to now wait for a sand truck to sand the road because it wasn't safe. At this point, one would think that kids would be pitching a fit to get to camp, but to our surprise, all the kids realized that the theme was "United" so hey! why don't we take this time to get to know people? What? Guess I have a lot to learn myself. There was a wee hour that morning that we hit that everyone was like "welp...we've made it this long...what's a couple more hours? the longer this goes, the better the story is!" I suppose so...I still would like to be in a bed.

We finally rolled into camp at 8:40am. Precisely seventeen hours after we left People's Church. Had breakfast and jumped right into chapel time.

Long story longer...everything I thought would be a breeze was tough. Everything I was nervous about went easy as cake. The Lord was at center stage last weekend. I've never been able to so visibly see Him take everyone's plans, turn them inside out and upside down...and be so changed by it all. He saved and He saved and He saved...
So many other things happened that were life-changing: the talk about social justice, worship, cabin talks, the prayer/worship night, campus breakouts... whew. I'll stop ranting.

I still stand amazed at how He orchestrated everything.
Okay seriously. No more words.

except Hosanna: "Save us, YHWH!" and "YHWH saved me!"

Galatians 3 and academics.

2010-01-20T01:06:00.000-08:00

Faith trumps human effort. every. single. time.

How does that make any sense? It doesn't.
Just answered my own hypothetical question.
Probably because faith just confuses me.
That's okay, I figure.

I want to pray more conversationally.

School has begun. This semester is weird. And so far, probably the best yet. No classes start earlier than 11am, I have very interesting classes, and I've already met some genuine people.

However. Senior year of college isn't far off from feeling like senior year of high school did:

1. You feel a bit more cocky because you're almost done.
2. You sit up a little straighter in class because of reason #1.
3. You see the light at the end of the tunnel.
4. You get to sleep in a bit later...so then...
5. You stay up later.
6. You have tough classes, but figure you'll pass them since, "hey...I got myself this far."
7. You still have to pay ungodly amounts of money for graduation festivities.
8. You still get that confused feeling about what to do after graduation... except now instead of "What college should I attend?", your professors instill doubt in your mind and you start to think to yourself, "Good God!...will my BA get me anywhere? Should I go to grad school? Well I don't want to be homeless and I want to eat, so... Yes, I guess I must!"

Yep. It's basically the same. Good luck, kids.

Current life.

2010-01-13T15:02:00.000-08:00

If it doesn't break
If it doesn't break
If it doesn't break
If it doesn't break your heart
It isn't love

If it doesn't break your heart
It's not enough

It's when you're breaking down
With your insides coming o u t
That's when you find out what your heart is made of

Backwards to forwards.

2010-01-01T03:20:00.000-08:00

This year I:

- Was an intern!
- Made some big confessions.
- Went on some really fun dates.
- Traveled with the Huckaby’s to Chicago to see Josh graduate. [so proud!]
- Was asked some really hard questions at school.
- Now had a boyfriend who lived in town!
- Met a whole slew of new friends.
- Got to experience/observe the inner workings of the Church.
- I learned to paint again…and paint well.
- Turned 21.
- Got to see Josh take on his new role as a youth pastor at Flipside.
- Saw some of my relationships with high school girls flourish.
- Was changed at OGN and Mt. Hermon.
- Auntie Jo died.
- Went on some road trips.
- Have learned to not feel guilty about not being everything to everyone.
- Learned that I let things go when I cry.
- Ate lots of tacos.
- Saw prayer work.
- Became more community-oriented.
- Discovered I want to become a MFT.
- Saw little brother turn into a young man.
- Learned a lot at a marriage conference and spent a weekend in Monterey with my man.
- Had the pleasure of visiting a convent.
- Enjoyed longboarding with so many friends!
- Witnessed many close friends endure life-growing situations.
- Played lots of ultimate Frisbee.
- Was led by the Lord to try new things.
- Witness SO many beautiful weddings.
- Moved out with four beautiful women.
- Saw my parents get closer.
- Was proposed to.
- Said yes to the love of my life.

I like making lists. They organize what’s floating around in my brain so I don’t have to look at the list ever again. Pointless, really. But this has been the hardest and the best year of my life. I can safely say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have never been brought so low than I did this summer. I have never been so elated or overwhelmed with joy than I was a couple weeks ago.
Everyone always likes to look back, but I feel like crying when I think about it. I didn’t deserve this past year. I am profoundly thankful.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

How it happened.

2009-12-25T02:22:00.000-08:00

The story.

(from my perspective)

Josh suggested a couple weeks ago that we take a day trip to the Bay Area in order to celebrate the end of the semester. I thought it would be a great idea to say the least. So…last Friday morning, we loaded up the car with jackets and snacks and headed off to Oakland. We stopped to have lunch at Little Shin-Shin, Josh’s favorite Chinese restaurant (by the way…it REALLY is worth the drive!). For some reason, Josh didn’t eat as much as he usually does…and I thought that was odd. From there we drove to the BART station and rode to Pier 39. It was beautiful and all decked out for Christmas! He and I spent hours just wandering around looking in all the shops and watching very mediocre street magicians. Josh had been to San Fran a couple weeks before with his parents, and he suggested we go ice skating that night and eat at Cheesecake Factory. I was just thankful to be away from Fresno, so anything sounded good. As we left Pier 39 on a trolley, I was busy taking pictures and Josh was on his iPhone. I didn’t think anything of it…since all day he was checking GPS trying to get us where we needed to go.

He then turned and asked me if I’d like to go get a drink before dinner. His mom had told us about a place where there’s a restaurant/bar at the top of a building. I said sure! Why not… so we got off the trolley and I had no idea how far/where it was. As we were walking, Josh told me that he needed to go to the bathroom, so he turned into a hotel and went to the concierge to ask where they were. I saw them up ahead, so I took off for them. When I came out of the bathroom, Josh still wasn’t out yet. That’s weird, I thought, usually he has to wait for me… he came out and turned to go get on an elevator. “Oh! Its…in this hotel? Cool!” There was a group of people in the elevator with us who got off before us. I saw that the top button (39) was pressed, as well as the 30th level. “Drat,” Josh said, “someone pressed the 30.” We stopped at 30, the doors opened and Josh got off. “But…it’s not this one?” “Yes it is..” he said… At this point, I’m still completely oblivious and start thinking “Maybe there’s a random restaurant on this floor…sounds good.” We go down a bunch of hallways, get to a door at the end of a hall and he pulls out a room key. “Where the heck did you get a room key?” He didn’t answer me, but he led me through the doorway and I stepped on rose petals as I did. I flippantly thought, “Oh! It’s just a low-lit restaurant?” Josh made a remark about his uncle calling in a favor and we just had the place for an hour or two. What?… I thought. The rose petals led to a sliding glass door and we walked onto a balcony where I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was a red table with candles, wine, chocolate covered strawberries and a GORGEOUS view of the city. The lights and colors were so much to take in that it took my breath away. I just wanted to stand and take pictures of the city…but Josh poured me a glass of wine and I sat and ate a strawberry…STILL completely oblivious to everything going on. [Plus, apparently Josh was crazy nervous, but I had NO idea.] He suggested that I open my Christmas present. He pulled out a huge wrapped box and I opened it…one wrapped box within the one before it. This was the point that I thought: “these boxes are getting smaller…this better be what I THINK it is…! And if it is…don’t look at Josh. You’ll start crying!” I get to the very last one and it’s a large jewelry box. Inside that is another one, but it’s empty, save for a note that says, “Look at me.” I look up, and he gets down on one knee and I start to cry! [I’m not a crier!] “Karen Grace Peters, it’s been three years and I would love it if you spend the rest of your life with me. Will you marry me?” With that, he put the ring on my hand and I said “yes!yes!yes!yes!yes!yes!...” we sat there and hugged for a while and I was completely overwhelmed. As he held me, I could feel that he was playing with his iPhone behind my back. “What the heck are you doing you crazy man…” “Wait…I have one more surprise for you. Trust me…” I turned around and all of our best friends came out onto the balcony…armed with huge smiles and cameras! Erin, Caitlin, Bree, Kara, Emily, Ben, Greg and Brett …I couldn’t believe it! Seriously…I haven’t been so overwhelmed as I was at that moment. We all toasted, took pictures, and I called my parents to say that I had a FIANCE! The boys went to go make reservations and us girls got all prettied up and we all went to a crazy nice restaurant called XYZ. There were things on the menu that we didn’t know the name of…but ordered them and had a great time! our waiter had just been engaged three months before so we got some champagne and some 1982 cognac. It was a beautiful time with friends…we went back and some of the girls went to get snacks and the guys got a cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. We spent the evening on the balcony eating and drinking and reminiscing about our friendships as we watched the fog roll in over the city. It was a most beautiful experience…and one I will never forget. The girls got the master room that night, the boys got an adjoining room and we crashed. I could hardly sleep that night, I was so excited! The next morning we relaxed, cleaned up and enjoyed muffins and throwing rose petals off the balcony. We then said goodbye to our friends and Josh and I spent the rest of the day in Oakland going to different jewelry marts.

What a crazy weekend! …Josh has a slightly different spin on how things went :) You might get to hear that soon...

I still cannot believe all the people who helped pull this off. You really got me...
And I get the best guy in the world! Thanks Jesus!

this doesn't change.

2009-12-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

This much I know. Hearts hurting will continue. But they are always being healed. Sometimes we don't notice.

And it is always yours
But I am always yours

Hallelujah! I’m caving in
Hallelujah! I’m in love again
Hallelujah! I’m a wretched man
Hallelujah! Every breath is a second chance
These are the scars
Deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole
Where most of your soul
Comes ripping out
From the places you’ve been torn

O.

2009-12-01T00:39:00.000-08:00

Oh gosh. I have to learn math by next week!

Oh! The Lord is so good.

Oh brother.

O - I - E - I - E

Oh! Gravity.

Oh kids. 1:56. Hee.

Toadstools.

2009-11-28T23:01:00.000-08:00

It's time.
So much has changed.
Instrumental folk is my drug. So is Mountain Dew.
There is so much to do.
Let's do house church again.
I miss it profusely.
So much made sense then.
I bought napkins with toadstools and penguins on them. [?]
Painting should become more of a priority.
I'm so ready.
Writing "2009" just got normal.
Figured out what I want to do with myself. It requires grad work.
Oft I venture outside and inhale the smells of Christmas: burning wood, wet pavement and orange trees.
This time of year makes me hyper-critical of service projects and people's motives.
Introspective moods around this time of year annoy me.
Let's be humbly thankful this year.
Taking things for granted isn't really an option.
Give give give give give give give give.

Etc.

Gray rainy day, down in the mud for us. Don't feel I can sing, songs to the God in control of the seasons. But what's good and bad, flow from the hands, of the God with the perfect plan. Filling us with joy, all of this will glorify.

Growing by subtraction.

2009-11-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the wax around the candle needs to be heated a long time before the wick will take a flame.

Sometimes we have to be under the fire for a long time before the flame really affects us and we're able to be truly effective.

"Think how long a seed has to experience darkness before it truly grows..."

G'bye old friend.

2009-11-17T01:48:00.000-08:00

Melancholic joy?

2009-11-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

So I've been thinking a lot about depression. Don't get weirded out. Part of it was for a paper. I listened to a public radio program about the topic and the interviewer talked to Andrew Solomon, Parker Palmer and Anita Barrows about their views of depression from a stance of spirituality.
Something that Palmer said that is also quoted in one of his books struck me profoundly:

“I had embraced a form of Christian faith devoted less to the experience of God than the abstractions about God, a fact that now baffles me. How did so many disembodied concepts emerge from a tradition whose central commitment is to the Word become flesh?”

If part of our body wasn’t cared for, we’d notice. If we had an appendage missing, we’d notice. Likewise, I believe that if we only consider one aspect of a person’s body and fail to holistically take care of people in a spiritual way, we'd notice...and we aren’t being true Christians. As Jesus says in John, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
There are a lot of appendages that we overlook, accidentally and purposefully. This could be one of them. Good thing we have such a reconciling Father.

[Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.] Jeremiah 31/13

Just a thought.

Fudge sticks and Failblog

2009-11-03T02:09:00.001-08:00

Night three of having roommates.
2:20a.
I just learned the pilates seal move. It's the most efficient and comical I'd say.
I love community. And having a house with responsibility.
Frigerated cookies are good.
And things like this keep us laughing til we have to pee.

I'm sold on this having roommates idea.

Boxes.

2009-10-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Memories are fun.
Some authentic, some foolish.
They all get boxed up.

When's the moment, exactly?

2009-10-26T00:44:00.000-07:00

I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I can’t get this out of my head.
When we surrender our deepest yearnings to the longing of our hearts to get back to the true rhythm that makes us tick and walk and talk to the beat of our Father. So many times it takes us so long to surrender that we’re at the end of our figurative rope. The haze of our minds has clouded our senses that we’re only able to see the vision, despite the lack of actual visible range. When this happens, and we fall to our knees before our Maker, no one else sees us, or really understands us for that matter, but we don’t see them either. Nor do we need to. Our bodies long, crave, beg and require the care and grace of something and Someone much greater than ourselves. Never has a generation been so obsessed with control... yet we have so much (or think we do) that we don’t know what to do with it. Like kids these days. Is it natural for us to give up that control when we really don’t even have control over our own destinies?
On a macro {and micro} scale, I’m glad we have a Lover who is greatly interested in our lives and would love for us to surrender our control to Him so that He will get the glory and we understand agape and live life more fully than if we were actually in control of things. We’re dumb sometimes. Ha. Let’s get in the habit of surrender. My body is a begging bowl for the rhythm of a bigger song to move me towards the way of love, not control.

Oh, Bono saying “the ATM machine” is redundant. Just fyi.

Love is hard.

2009-10-22T11:11:00.001-07:00

You have to really work at it. Sometimes it really doesn't make sense. Wait...you're supposed to give of yourself? I sometimes can't get what I want in order to love them? I have to be humble? What is this madness?

Wait...so we're the most blessed when we give of ourselves? When we love sacrificially?

We've seen each other at our best and worst, grown individually and together in the Lord. Had so so so many laughs. Lots of driving. Lots of lessons. I love him all the more for it.

[he took me to Tahoe long ago.]

[he supports my sugar addiction.]

[goofs. what are ya gonna do.]

[three years later.]

True love is very hard. But very worth every minute.

Thank you Lord for my best friend.

Viva la vida.

2009-10-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

Today has been a day of enjoyment!

This morning I was low on gas. Really low. My dad surprised me and blessed me with money to buy some, so I was in better spirits at the gas station. As I come out of the service station, I pause for a dad and his son (about eight) to come in. I figure, the door is rather narrow, I’ll let them come in first. The sliding door opens and the kid starts walking through the door. I smile at them and step aside to let them pass, but the dad grabs his son’s shoulder. “Son, remember. Ladies always go first. Let’s let her go through.” The kid looks sheepishly up at me and goes back outside next to his dad, and his dad sweeps his hand wide to let me out the door. “Excuse us today, we’re just learning” he said with a smile. Wow! Chivalry isn’t dead…and it’s not dying. I

Saw a truck on the freeway today. going really slow, I decided to pass it…on the back window, there was a huge Lord of the Rings ring of elfish that took up the whole thing. There was also a sticker saying “My precious…” as I passed, I expected…well. I didn’t know who I’d expect, but certainly didn’t expect a 70+ year old woman with bright pink sunglasses.
Made my day.

I also purposely left my debit card and all cash at home, save for five dollars in my pocket. Went to all kinds of stores in the freedom that I didn’t have to buy anything because I couldn’t! It’s so freeing, try it sometime. [PS, if you’re of the female persuasion, Old Navy is having a HUGE clearance sale. It’s probably worth it if you have a few extra bucks.] Anyways.

My view of freedom is being warped. I am being changed. There is freedom in love. Wait, you mean I’m free to enjoy things? I’m free to do things and free to not do things. And there is abundant grace within both. For if we follow the Shepherd, wherever He goes there will be freedom and full life. The further we sheep walk away from the Shepherd, the further we have the potential to walk into danger or harm. But the closer we hang around our leader, the better things are for us. {John 10. Check it.}

Now, I’m sitting in Starbucks facing a 50 year old couple making out. Okay, this part of my day is just weird.

So far, so good today. Go enjoy yours. And live fully.

Placid peace.

2009-10-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

Went to Mass with Katie the other night...and we sang this hymn. I thought it was pretty powerful... it's sung to the tune of "Ode to Joy".

God, whose purpose is to kindle, now ignite us with your fire.
While the earth awaits your burning, with your passion us inspire.
Overcome our sinful calmness, stir us with your saving name.
Baptize with your fiery Spirit, crown our lives with tongues of flame.

God, who still as sword delivers rather than a placid peace,
with your sharpened sword disturb us, from complacency r e l e a s e!
Save us now from satisfaction, when we privately are free,
yet are undisturbed in spirit by our neighbor’s misery.

God, who in your holy Gospel, wills that all should truly live,
Make us sense our share of failure, our tranquility forgive.
Teach us courage as we struggle in all liberating strife.
Lift the smallness of our vision By Your own abundant life.

I'm on a hymn binge.

Well is it?

2009-10-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

For our faith to be sight. What a glorious day. I shudder to think of that day...and long for it like nothing else. The whole of our sin was nailed. We don't bear it anymore at all! Praise the Lord O my soul!

There is black and white. But we are made white.

Well heyy.

2009-10-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago, as Josh and I were driving to Lodi, I realized something weird. The whole day prior, I'd been so excited to go with him and see his family and the thought occurred to me, "Ah sweet, Lodi! Relaxation! Ah but wait, we'll just have to say goodb...WAIT. There ARE no 'buts'! And no more 'goodbyes'!" Since we did long distance for over two years, it was so customary to love going to Lodi, but hating it too...since it always ended with a trip to the Sac Airport, me crying my eyes out at the airport, driving back to Lodi by myself to spend the rest of the day with his family then drive back to Fresno...then see Josh again three months later.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
We did all that for so long...that it became ingrained in my mind that that was normal. And it was for a really long time. Which is why last night was so sweet. We're finally starting to break out of the old mentality and realize this is life now. We're at that place in our lives and in our relationship that this is it. I'll let you speculate on what that entails. Heh.

I'd like to talk to whoever says that long distance relationships never work out. Never, eh?

Désolé, Lautrec.

2009-09-28T01:55:00.000-07:00

but you're just not my style.

Community

2009-09-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

"People can find the good in just about anything but themselves." Jeff from the new TV show Community has wisdom.

Had a conversation this afternoon with a friend about community. Over the years, as one grows up, you start seeing the cliques you were a part of, or not a part of, and how lame (or cool) they were. I feel like junior high and high school were made up of people groups embodied by the characters in The Office. That's as far as I'm going with that. [In that vein, I realized also that I've been in college for four years. That's as long as I was in high school. Weird! Anyhow.]

We're made up of misfits. And we need each other. More than we realize. But... I'm awfully scared of community. I don't want people to get in the way of my plans, know my secrets, or give me godly advice. It messes me up. "We would much rather live in the squalor that we do know than face the pang of change to make us better." Yeah, man. I don't want someone to know better than me. Oh humility, what a frustrating paradox you can be sometimes.
People are annoying.
People forget to do things.
People chew with their mouths open.
People get their noses into your business.
People like to sometimes talk about themselves.

Heck, so do I.

But I see that we're better together. As Jack Johnson so eloquently puts it. Jesus knows we're better together. That's probably why His father created more than one of us. And we're also better together when He's the center and we back out of the inner circle and watch what He can do with other broken pieces. He sees that our broken talents and agendas fit together to make some pretty cool communities to praise and love Jesus. And I'm okay with that. But who cares? It's not about me.

I have a love-hate relationship with this verse right now. Love is ...last? Hey, so let's start somewhere...

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

Second Peter, 1/5-9

Hasty thoughts.

2009-09-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

Blogging is the last thing I should be doing right now, but I don't really care. I need a break.

Kellie and Josh are getting married tomorrow. Holy crap. I know she's going to be a stunning bride and Josh is a CRAZY lucky guy. They're moving to Gonzales, Texas to begin a new life together. Kel and I have been friends since before preschool, even though I looked like a freak. Buck teeth will do that to a person. She knows more Scripture than anyone else I know and has the sweetest spirit ever. And sorry Kel, I still don't like country music :)
Friends. Friends come and friends go. What does this mean? It has no meaning, it just is. Just like "this is a true statement". I'm ready to not have to say goodbye anymore to anyone. Too bad that's not happening anywhere in the near future.

Future. What is the future? It's everything. It's now. It's ahead of when I typed that period. It's when I get married. It's when I have kids. It's when I have to go pee next. Or the next banana I eat. And it's all so excitingly surprising! WHENNNN will it all happen? Who knows?! We make plans, then the Spirit moves them, deletes them, shuffles them around a little bit (or a lot a bit) all the while, we live, breathe, call people, drink coffee, file papers, write papers, babysit kids, dislike songs on the radio, lose our keys, have road rage, sing songs in the shower, have meaningful conversations, move couches for people, pick our noses, read books, laugh at dumb jokes, get confused over math problems and why boys act the way they do... all the while the future is happening around us. And we help it to happen. Isn't that exciting?

Excitement. What does this mean? When our pulse races and our eyes get big? When we feel like we're worth a million bucks? The complete opposite how most people feel about school? Dude...not me. I'm excited again. I'm taking classes that will shape me in the future. I'm excited to be walking alongside college and high school students in their walks with the Lord. I'm excited to be dating a pretty cool guy who I wouldn't mind sharing the rest of my life with. I'm excited to be learning more about myself. I'm excited to get funny texts from people, to get kisses from Josh, to go to class now, to have conversations with my brother, to eat good things, to love different colors, to try to be who I really am. I don't act excited, though. In my heart, it's there.

Heart. It's inside of me. It's beating. Fast sometimes. Slow other times. I have a really slow heart rate. It's mine, but it doesn't belong to me. I'm blessed that mine works. That it's doing its job. My heart of hearts, though, is for my Creator. Everything I focus on is very me-centered. But to make things Christocentric, now that's another story. But He has created my heart. My reasons for getting excited. My future. My friends. My reason to live. My reason to look vertical and horizontal. To Him and to those whom He's made in the image of Himself. Look to Christ today. Look towards His unfailing love and insanely jealous nature. He wants the best for us and His ways are best.

"But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, 'The LORD be exalted!' Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay."

Oh, the cries.

2009-08-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

No one would love me if they knew all the things I hide. My words fall to the floor as tears drip through the telephone line. And the hands I’ve seen raised to the sky not waving but drowning all this time. I'll try to build an ark that they need to float to you upon the crystal sea.

Give me your hand to hold cause I can't stand to love alone and love alone is not enough to hold us up we've got to touch your robe so swing your robe down low. The prince of despair's been beaten but the loser still fights. Death's on a long leash stealing my friends to the night...

And everyone cries for the innocent... You say to love the guilty too
And I'm surrounded by suffering and sickness so I'm working tearing back the roof

And the pain of the world is a burden and it's my cross to bear and I stumble under all the weight. I know you're Simon standing there...and I know you're standing there.

Caedmon's Call

Contemplative.

2009-08-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

"It is not enough for the priests and ministers of the future (now) to be moral people, well-trained, eager to help their fellow humans, and able to respond creatively to the burning issues of their time. all of that is very valuable and important, but it is not the heart of Christian leadership. The central question is, Are the leaders of the future truly men and women of God, people with an ardent desire to dwell in God’s presence, to listen to God’s voice, to look at God’s beauty, to touch God’s incarnate Word, and to taste fully God’s infinite goodness?" -Henri Nouwen In the Name of Jesus

Sigh.

2009-08-06T00:09:00.000-07:00

Never let your boyfriend accidentally hit your hands while typing.
I need to post things that are relevant to my thought interests. But this is no strenuous to my current thought process, so I will conclude here. And go home and not get enough sleep, just like the rest of this week.

Need.efw

2009-08-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I feel need to feef

Rest.

2009-07-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

My family is going to Mt. Hermon today. David's friend Mark (my second brother) is coming, too. It's an understatement to say that I turn into a six-year old child brimming with excitement about this time.

For Heather :)
Mount Hermon is a family conference center set deep in the Redwoods of Santa Cruz. It's ten minutes from the beach, has a huge rec field house, zip line, conference center, two speakers a week, day camp for the kiddos, coffee shop, pool, hiking trails, the list could go on and on. My family has gone ever since I can remember, and it's been a constant place of peace and rest for us. I met Josh there three years ago and it's also been a place for our families to relax together, which has been a huge blessing. Every year Josh and I meet people in the college group and have kept up with them over the years. I could tell story upon story about all the insanely fun things to do, but it would take too long, and we're leaving soon :) More updates as things progress...
This is what I wait all year for. Yipee!

So let it be written

2009-07-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

so let it be done.

Oh gee ehn.

2009-06-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

We're leaving bright and early this morning for a week of evangelism training and beach witnessing otherwise known as Operation Good News. Oh San Diego, how I've missed you.

Bit more about the week here.

See you all in a week! Prayers would be much appreciated.

Wall-E.

2009-06-27T23:37:00.001-07:00

I feel that posting these makes me a semi-sellout to the culture that is Internet. But they really are true.

I've started to hate what the internet does to you. I hate the fact that I can communicate better through words said through my fingers than the ones that come through my lips.

Oh god, Wall-E might come true.

End of the beginning.

2009-06-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else long for heaven?

2009-06-24T13:08:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wish I lived in a box. Then I wouldn't have to clean my room. And I wouldn't accumulate things I didn't need.

What? Xanga?

2009-06-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

So, call me crazy, but I've been reading old xanga posts. Remember that? I hadn't until this afternoon. Looking at my subscriptions, practically everyone I knew had one. And if you did have one, I've probably re-read your entries :)
It was nice to find some old pictures as well. My comp crashed way back when and lost many... as well as poems. I figure I have more room to stockpile things digitally rather than physically.

This was from June 1, 2005. Junior year.

I hate common courtesy. For this reason:

Once we get over our egocentric arrogance about the fact that people don’t really want to know how we are when they say ‘how are you?’ we can see that it’s just an American way of acknowledging our presence. Be honest. By filling empty space with meaningless talk just releases more tension. Honesty and compassion are more attractive than seemingly necessary vocal rituals.

The watermark of the church of Acts was this:

As a people they had decided to live under the direct rulership of the Spirit. They rejected both human totalitarianism and anarchy. They even rejected democracy, that is, majority rule. They had dared to live on the basis of Spirit-rule; no 51% vote, no compromises, but Spirit-directed unity. And it worked.

(These are my thoughts as well as some of Richard J. Foster’s. I paraphrased this from "Celebration of Discipline".)

Guys, let’s make this summer count for something. What does your heart burn for?

Sigh. Truth is truth and truth doesn't change.

Note. In one of my posts, I called someone a she-stud. Who was I? Oh gosh.

Found these little nuggets as well:
"Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable." -Anon.

"Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you." -Cheers

Auntie Jo.

2009-06-11T23:36:00.000-07:00

Auntie Jo died last Sunday. She was my grandmother's sister. When you have a family as small as mine, you get to know relatives pretty well. So now you will get to know her.
Auntie Jo and Uncle Dyke moved to South Africa in the 70s... I never got to go visit when she was alive, and I really regret it now. Since the family is in South Africa, she seldom came back to the U.S. In my twenty one years, she visited maybe seven or eight times for an extended period of time. But the times I did get to know her, I cherish now. She was a beautiful lady who always had a small smile that you never really knew if she was being coy or trying to stifle a laugh. When I was younger, we would take drives and go to Yosemite with her. She brought me a small set of wooden African animals and would play with me. These were beautiful times.
When I got older, I think my favorite times were when I'd go out with her when she'd go out for a smoke. We talked about everything. She would ask me about politics, church, my future and the family... always listening intently and asking the right amount of questions. We'd go back and forth asking each other questions, being serious, cracking jokes, and being philosophical. These were my favorite times, and the times I wish to remember. One time we had a particularly interesting conversation about social justice while eating pie. She really liked pie. But I'll never forget her comment: "I think the surefire way to know which people are your equals...are the people you'd invite to eat dinner with you. And anyone is welcome with me." I really enjoyed getting to know Auntie Jo. Whenever she was around, I felt like she had always been there. She just had this warm way about her that made you feel like you mattered. I always felt so comfortable with her around. You know people are great when you feel it when they've left you. I recently heard that you don't take a legacy around with you, but once you leave, it stays alive inside of the people you touched. She left a legacy and will be greatly missed. I love you, Auntie.

and the Truth will set you free.

2009-06-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

You remember me
before I learned to run
At the kissing tree
before I learned my guns
We were 17
17 years young
I am still running
I am still running

I had no idea the pain would be this strong
I had no idea the fight would last this long
In my darkest fears the rights become the wrongs
I am still running, I am still running I am still running I am still running

Build me a home
inside your scars
Build me a home
Inside your song
Build me a home
inside your open arms
The only place I ever will belong

I am still running
I am still running
I am still running
I am still running
Build me a home
inside your scars
Build me a home
Inside your song
Build me a home
inside your open arms
The only place I ever will belong
The only place I ever will belong
inside your open arms
The only place I ever will belong

Last night I heard Andy Stanley say that when God hits you with truth, it's like the most bright, blinding light you've ever seen. You're squinting, straining, and want to turn your head away to the darkness to which you've already been adjusted to. To the God you've manufactured and are safe with. But if you take the time to keep your head inclined to the light, your eyes will eventually adjust to the Truth that is the Almighty, and you will ultimately be set free because of this Truth. But only if you take that truth seriously. Many times we ignore it. We ignore grace. And it's slapping us in the face. And we keep slapping back with our dirty ignorance.

And this song is bringing me to tears...

Do you remember when
You were way back then
You held the world inside your hands
When you told me love
Was the strongest stuff
Your strength was innocence

But, oh man
The signs of the times are omens
You're starting the day in
No man's land again

Who are you gonna be?
When you're on your knees, who do you believe?
Fear is a lonely man
You've been given innocence
You've been given innocence again

You should know by now
That your darkest hour
Is when your broken heart goes down
It's a bitter end
When the sweet begins
Grace is sufficiency

But, oh dear, we'll never deserve it
No dear, we never could earn it
Now, here, the choice is yours

Grace is high and low
Grace is high and low
Grace is high and low
We'll never be the same

"I Am Still Running" by Jon Foreman
"Innocence Again" by Switchfoot respectively

Just so happens.

2009-06-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

I just verbalized this to a friend today, then found it on this week's postsecret.
Maybe I'll believe it now.