Oh ...boy.

After not blogging for such a long time, a reader would probably assume that the blogger would have something worthwhile or profound after such a long time off.
One would assume.

However.

I was reading blogs and I came across Popular Mechanic’s “100 Skills Every Man Should Know” List. (I was done with homework for the day.) It came with a quiz. So I thought to myself, But of COURSE I’ll take the “DIY Skills and How Much Of A Man Are You” Quiz! I got a whopping 33%. This both encourages me and kills me a little inside. Whew, I am not a man, but DANG IT I know how to fix (ahem, certain parts of my) car, change a light bulb, drink a beer, and make a mess of the bathroom and all those other important things. And dag-gum, I will then in turn obey the speed limit, read a book, not burp and organize that same bathroom like a lady.

Ahem, right, the List. Do you know how to do any of these? You should teach me.

This is me letting you know that this is even worse than those godawful myspace or facebook surveys. Which you and I both did, several times, let’s not lie to ourselves.

I apologize in advance. Just…I’m sorry.

Automotive

1. Handle a blowout well they couldn’t have started the list off any better than this.
2. Drive in snow this is helpful for those of us who live in the desert.
3. Check trouble codes and boy do I know some troubling codes!
4. Replace fan belt fan + leather belt = fashionable.
5. Wax a car Otis would probably think I was coming on to him.
6. Conquer an off-road obstacle the nearest one I can think of is running into the Comcast tower on our street. I’ll bring a flag.
7. Use a stick welder
8. Hitch up a trailer we are not that poor yet to have one of those.
9. Jump start a car

Handling Emergencies

10. Perform the Heimlich Eddie Izzard talks about that…
11. Reverse hypothermia WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN
12. Perform hands-only CPR gross. no tongues please.
13. Escape a sinking car easy. This was the reason I haven’t fixed my windows. (not because I couldn’t)

Home

14. Carve a turkey as long as it’s not a mountainside, that’s a-ok.
15. Use a sewing machine once. And it was awful. The dress looked like a giant’s dishcloth.
16. Put out a fire throw a can of axe on it duh.
17. Home brew beer now THAT sounds fun!
18. Remove bloodstains from fabric that I can do. gross.
19. Move heavy stuff who do you think I am? A MAN?! Oh.
20. Grow food
21. Read an electric meter sorry, I only do recreational reading when I pee now, sorry.
22. Shovel the right way what about the left way?
23. Solder wire
24. Tape drywall I have lots of tape and our wall is in fact, dry.
25. Split firewood
26. Replace a faucet washer this just sounds redundant.
27. Mix concrete I’ve done this at least 13 times. F’reals.
28. Paint a straight line NO!
29. Use a French knife Un chuchillo espanol es mi chuchillo de preferrahnce!
30. Prune bushes and small trees I hate prunes! No!
31. Iron a shirt I will i-ron yo shirt like a pro
32. Fix a toilet tank flapper of which ours is ALWAYS broken. Done.
33. Change a single-pole switch this sounds boring.
34. Fell a tree in one fell swoop? Birch, please.
35. Replace a broken windowpane but doing the opposite is way more fun.
36. Set up a ladder, safely
37. Fix a faucet cartridge
38. Sweat copper tubing isn’t that illegal? Oh you said ‘sweat’.
39. Change a diaper only done it three times. Hubs has changed hundreds. I’m clearly lacking here.
40. Grill with charcoal this equals flavor!
41. Sew a button on a shirt my womanly skills should come into play here…nope. Not even here.
42. Fold a flag or here…nope. Still nope.

Medical Myths

43. Treat frostbite I’m
44. Treat a burn CPR
45. Help a seizure victim certified,
46. Treat a snakebite sucker!
47. Remove a tick eewneverunlessIabsolutelyhaveto!

Military Know-How

48. Shine shoes
49. Make a drum-tight bed I can short sheet a bed…
50. Drop and give the perfect pushup give me half a second and that’s all you get.

Outdoors

51. Run rapids in a canoe
52. Hang food in the wild I only recently just learned why you did this
53. Skipper a boat this sounds lovely
54. Shoot straight a regular Annie-get-your-BB gun, I am.
55. Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike Josh did this and almost died, so no.
56. Escape a rip current I wont go further than my shins. no.

Primitive Skills

57. Build a fire in the wilderness yep.
58. Build a shelter piece a’ cake.
59. Find potable water “potent potables” for 400 Alex!

Surviving Extremes

60. Floods I live in California.
61. Tornados I live in California.
62. Cold I live in California.
63. Heat I live in California.
64. Lightning I live in California.

Teach Your Kids

65. Cast a line
66. Lend a hand
67. Change a tire check.
68. Throw a spiral check.
69. Fly a stunt kite
70. Drive a stick shift
71. Parallel park in my boat? No prob.
72. Tie a bowline in microsoft word, I drew a picture of a bow on a line. blogger doesn't know what's up.
73. Tie a necktie
74. Whittle
75. Ride a bike

Technology

76. Install a graphics card
77. Take the perfect portrait
78. Calibrate HDTV settings
79. Shoot a home movie
80. Ditch your hard drive …aren’t these all, like, so 2000?

Master Key Workshop Tools

81. Drill driver
82. Grease gun
83. Coolant hydrometer …
84. Socket wrench
85. Test light I
86. Brick trowel
87. Framing hammer don’t
88. Wood chisel
89. Spade bit know
90. Circular saw what
91. Sledge hammer oh I know this one!
92. Hacksaw
93. Torque wrench any
94. Air wrench of
95. Infrared thermometer
96. Sand blaster these
97. Crosscut saw
98. Hand plane things
99. Multimeter
100. Feeler gauges are.

Let's hope you're smarter than me and have way better things to do that what I just did right now.
I'm going for a walk.