Take those percentages.

...However minuscule they may be.
Looking back on today, I can say I got 1% better at being content.

I went to my Friday morning class.
On my way home, I listened to Kurt Warner on Focus on the Family... pretty legit guy.
Talked to mom about life and ministry for a really long time. We ate.
I did some homework. Laundry. Went outside and painted. Listened to Seinfeld's standup. Put up my new calendar (which, by the way, is my new favorite thing).

My dad's work has an annual Groundhog's Day party. [it's usually bigger than Christmas, if you can believe it.] We went and ate like crazy people, then my brother and I took off for church. Shaun Groves did an acoustic concert that was wonderful. God speaks through that man. A bunch of us got boba (!) then hung out at PBnT's and watched City of Ember. I recommend it!

I haven't felt this relaxed in a long time. And I didn't feel bad about it. That's quite a feat.
Thanks, Lord.

Bus stop.

When you wait for something for a really long time, it hurts inside.
Then when it comes, you jump to the next thing to look forward to.

I think we unconsciously fast-forward our lives by doing this.

Oh no, now everything is for granted.

Pocket change.

Oh my. 'Change' is the buzz word for today. And yesterday. And the past few years. But it's a forward-word. Obviously. And I like it. And today, more power to you Obama. I hope you fix America and be a man of integrity. But you're not a god. None of them have been.
[I will probably be shot from a conservative gun for that.] But Romans 13 comes to mind.

Alas...I'm becoming resolved to the fact that I like change. Keeps the spice in life. When change happens frequently and suddenly, I shut down like some. But right now, things are trucking along. Work and ministry are becoming one soon, and school is preparatory of that.

After three and a half years of having the Moody experience, Josh is now graduated and is a youth pastor at Flipside Church in the Madera Ranchos. Without a shadow of a doubt, God orchestrated his placement there. Things have fallen into place over the past few months (and weeks)...and here he is. This excites me to no end. Of course, it blows my mind that we got to end our two-and-a-half year long distance relationship. I can't tell you how crazy wonderful it is that I don't have to say goodbye to him again. We can have date nights. We can read the Bible together not over the phone. We can experience life together like normal people. This is one amazing man, and I'm absolutely blessed and stoked to be dating a guy like him.
But more so, seeing God's hand at work in the little things accumulating up to bigger things is beyond words sometimes. His plans are so much larger and incomprehensible and surprising than anything I could think up myself.

This is my third semester at Pacific. I realized this is coming up on the same amount of time I spent at Fresno City. City was enjoyable. Pacific is slowly growing on me. Classes are finally worth something and I feel like they matter now to the rest of my life. I will soon learn how God will once again change my view of ministry. Or so I'm assuming.
And I miss art classes.

Growing up scares me.
Being responsible for people and taking care of myself is starting to seem like a daunting task.

Validation.

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter." - James Earl Jones.

But I will try...?

I never realized my need to be validated until recently. 

Since having a job a few years ago, words have become a coveted thing to me, but I haven't noticed it. I do a better job when I'm praised, and I work much harder. When I write, I want people to tell me it's good, even when it's not. So at least, then I'll keep doing it. I don't draw anymore because I don't think it's worth it. Nothing can be created that hasn't been done before. Futility hits me a lot, even if it's untrue. 

Words make or break a person, and can do so instantly.

Validation has been tough in my relationship with Josh. For a long time [and I was completely blind to this], I wouldn't do anything for him or get him anything because I never thought it would be good enough. My ideas were terrible (or so I thought), and he would think I was a lame girlfriend. Turns out by me being stagnant, he was feeling like I didn't care about him, when in fact I was paralyzed by my own insecurities. [note: we've gotten past this obstacle and we're on the same page now.]

 

Most of the time, I wonder if I have ADD. I've had a heck of a time making decisions lately and thinking straight. Like, it's been bad. I can't follow through with commitments because I feel like I'm not validated enough to do the job... whatever it is. In my weakness He is strongest.

The Lord isn't one of hurt feelings. I can disappoint Him, but I can't stop His love. My heart needs to learn this. Probably making a mountain out of a molehill here, as usual.

I can't handle being around people for very long. The holidays taught me this. 

But I need to be around friends in order to function. Community. I haven't had much during the break, and it's been affecting me mentally and spiritually. Beginning to wonder if my priorities are in the right place. My heart hurts because of it. I'm sorry guys. You don't know what good you do to a person. In the words of Ben Folds, "I love you [all] more than I have found a way to say to you."

I don't know where I fit. And I need to figure this out very soon.

This is depressing. I apologize.

Here's to an odd year.