but that's always the excuse. but life is not an excuse for anything. who gives a rip if life is an excuse? it better be! otherwise you'd be dead and people would be sad. truly. they would.
i wonder if my school papers have sucked because i've stopped blogging. or maybe because i like to use the word 'sucked'. and i hate using my pinkies to use the 'shift' key. but using it for ' is okay.
i'm a hypocrite.
there have been many adventures. still are. will be.
we are now in the looking for houses phase of our twenty-something life. it is teeeerrifying. forget houses being haunted; it's especially frustrating when you realize that you have issues from the past that are apparently doing the haunting when you LOOK at houses. it's okay. or at least, it will be.
jesus is more real now. so much more real that i realize he doesn't matter if i capitalize his name or not. he is just so good. even when things are so full of sarx and life and dirt and poop.
grad school is hard. can we just be honest here? why in the world would someone submit themselves to things like this? oh, because we are gluttons for punishment and somehow, somewhy, we cannot say 'no' to school.
'lifelong learners', we say. 'preparing for the future!', we say.
lord help us.
well, and also because learning is fun. but that can be quickly forgotten.
there are two kinds of people in life:
those who knew they wanted to be an astronaut, pillow maker, baker, zoo keeper, and dammit, they are astronauts, pillow makers, bakers, and zoo keepers the second they leave their parents' house.
those who within any given week of their 9-, 12-, 16-, 20 1/2-, 34-, 58-year old lives are in a constant mindwar of WHATINTHEWORLDAMISUPPOSEDTODOWITHMYLIIIIIIIFE?!
those are the only two options. i know of no others.
in my mind, the second group are NOT the kind of people who go to grad school. they like options. they do not like making decisions. they do not really narrow things down in life. if they did, they would be the first group. god bless those people. i'm eternally envious.
i believe i have second-guessed my grad school decision roughly 8,254 times and counting. today i had at least three more. i don't know why i'm there. they must see i'm a fraud by now, right?
trust. it all comes down to trust.
trust that if yet another class is failed, i can still continue.
trust that jesus is with me, even in my bad memory and failed classes.
trust that yes, thousands upon thousands of dollars are sacrificed, but this is not all there is to life.
trust that i need to do scary things. that require trust. this counts.
trust that if i die tomorrow, i died trying to become the best counselor i could be, in my current capacity.
trust that even if i fail completely, i will still be loved, cared for, and accepted by those who truly know me.
trust that my uncertainty is okay in the hands of jesus.
trust that my current capacity is constantly stretching to fit more experiences, failures, to make me more fully me.
why, i do not even know what will happen tomorrow. what is my life? i am a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
i have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly
look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet my Dad feeds them. am i not much more valuable than they? can i by worrying add a single hour to my life?
these are the lived-in truths of the moment.