Fudge sticks and Failblog

Night three of having roommates.
2:20a.
I just learned the pilates seal move. It's the most efficient and comical I'd say.
I love community. And having a house with responsibility.
Frigerated cookies are good.
And things like this keep us laughing til we have to pee.







I'm sold on this having roommates idea.

Boxes.

Memories are fun.
Some authentic, some foolish.
They all get boxed up.

When's the moment, exactly?

I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I can’t get this out of my head.
When we surrender our deepest yearnings to the longing of our hearts to get back to the true rhythm that makes us tick and walk and talk to the beat of our Father. So many times it takes us so long to surrender that we’re at the end of our figurative rope. The haze of our minds has clouded our senses that we’re only able to see the vision, despite the lack of actual visible range. When this happens, and we fall to our knees before our Maker, no one else sees us, or really understands us for that matter, but we don’t see them either. Nor do we need to. Our bodies long, crave, beg and require the care and grace of something and Someone much greater than ourselves. Never has a generation been so obsessed with control... yet we have so much (or think we do) that we don’t know what to do with it. Like kids these days. Is it natural for us to give up that control when we really don’t even have control over our own destinies?
On a macro {and micro} scale, I’m glad we have a Lover who is greatly interested in our lives and would love for us to surrender our control to Him so that He will get the glory and we understand agape and live life more fully than if we were actually in control of things. We’re dumb sometimes. Ha. Let’s get in the habit of surrender. My body is a begging bowl for the rhythm of a bigger song to move me towards the way of love, not control.


Oh, Bono saying “the ATM machine” is redundant. Just fyi.

Love is hard.

You have to really work at it. Sometimes it really doesn't make sense. Wait...you're supposed to give of yourself? I sometimes can't get what I want in order to love them? I have to be humble? What is this madness?

Wait...so we're the most blessed when we give of ourselves? When we love sacrificially?

We've seen each other at our best and worst, grown individually and together in the Lord. Had so so so many laughs. Lots of driving. Lots of lessons. I love him all the more for it.



[he took me to Tahoe long ago.]


[he supports my sugar addiction.]


[goofs. what are ya gonna do.]



[three years later.]

True love is very hard. But very worth every minute.

Thank you Lord for my best friend.

Viva la vida.

Today has been a day of enjoyment!

This morning I was low on gas. Really low. My dad surprised me and blessed me with money to buy some, so I was in better spirits at the gas station. As I come out of the service station, I pause for a dad and his son (about eight) to come in. I figure, the door is rather narrow, I’ll let them come in first. The sliding door opens and the kid starts walking through the door. I smile at them and step aside to let them pass, but the dad grabs his son’s shoulder. “Son, remember. Ladies always go first. Let’s let her go through.” The kid looks sheepishly up at me and goes back outside next to his dad, and his dad sweeps his hand wide to let me out the door. “Excuse us today, we’re just learning” he said with a smile. Wow! Chivalry isn’t dead…and it’s not dying. I

Saw a truck on the freeway today. going really slow, I decided to pass it…on the back window, there was a huge Lord of the Rings ring of elfish that took up the whole thing. There was also a sticker saying “My precious…” as I passed, I expected…well. I didn’t know who I’d expect, but certainly didn’t expect a 70+ year old woman with bright pink sunglasses.
Made my day.

I also purposely left my debit card and all cash at home, save for five dollars in my pocket. Went to all kinds of stores in the freedom that I didn’t have to buy anything because I couldn’t! It’s so freeing, try it sometime. [PS, if you’re of the female persuasion, Old Navy is having a HUGE clearance sale. It’s probably worth it if you have a few extra bucks.] Anyways.

My view of freedom is being warped. I am being changed. There is freedom in love. Wait, you mean I’m free to enjoy things? I’m free to do things and free to not do things. And there is abundant grace within both. For if we follow the Shepherd, wherever He goes there will be freedom and full life. The further we sheep walk away from the Shepherd, the further we have the potential to walk into danger or harm. But the closer we hang around our leader, the better things are for us. {John 10. Check it.}

Now, I’m sitting in Starbucks facing a 50 year old couple making out. Okay, this part of my day is just weird.

So far, so good today. Go enjoy yours. And live fully.

Placid peace.

Went to Mass with Katie the other night...and we sang this hymn. I thought it was pretty powerful... it's sung to the tune of "Ode to Joy".



God, whose purpose is to kindle, now ignite us with your fire.
While the earth awaits your burning, with your passion us inspire.
Overcome our sinful calmness, stir us with your saving name.
Baptize with your fiery Spirit, crown our lives with tongues of flame.

God, who still as sword delivers rather than a placid peace,
with your sharpened sword disturb us, from complacency r e l e a s e!
Save us now from satisfaction, when we privately are free,
yet are undisturbed in spirit by our neighbor’s misery.

God, who in your holy Gospel, wills that all should truly live,
Make us sense our share of failure, our tranquility forgive.
Teach us courage as we struggle in all liberating strife.
Lift the smallness of our vision By Your own abundant life.


I'm on a hymn binge.

Well is it?

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

For our faith to be sight. What a glorious day. I shudder to think of that day...and long for it like nothing else. The whole of our sin was nailed. We don't bear it anymore at all! Praise the Lord O my soul!

There is black and white. But we are made white.